Feeling Fat, Ugly and Good.

I'd like to be honest, even in my writing. So here comes the bitter waffle wrapped in chocolate sauce.

When you're 25, just married and your husband is super hot and you both live in a cosmic city amidst equally good-looking & great friends and *wait for it* YOU weigh 185 pounds (equivalent or more than a fully pregnant lady) *long pause* you know your happiness is compromised.

Whoever, whenever, however says that its okay to be on the healthy side i.e. a little plumpy, either does not understand women or has dreams to pursue & goals to attain or self respect, or the desire to live amicably, joyously or appreciably. Though I sound absolutely harum-scarum and completely opinionated, trust me when I say that I am not angry, fed up, distressed or hopeless. 

Lets be honest, we are still the same people that allow our eyes to pause a little longer on a toned body at the supermarket or a traffic signal and seamlessly look away from someone who look like a beached whale without an iota of asservation (even in our subconcious mind) that there was a person in the vicinity that our eyes fell upon, even accidently.

Here's the real deal. To want to look good can be your state of mind but to be good-looking is the norm of the society. From the broadband service guy who comes to your house to fix the seldom connecting modem to the sales girl at a road-side store wearing a stem long earring, everyone is high on looking good and scouting for attention, but what has all that to do with self esteem?

Self-esteem is based on what you think;
Self-respect is based on what you do. 


Don't misinterpret or misunderstand them. It is extremely normal for any person (however huge) to love themselves and not be a bigot. In fact as against popular saying that fat people have low esteem, I can tell from experience that the bigger ones are more open-minded, friendly and approachable, care-free and mildly innocent. I recently read in foxdc.com about Amani Terrell (250 pounds) who walked around wearing only a bikini in the Hollywood boulevard. What she said was truly meaningful and inspiring. "You can not seek validation from other people. This world is very cruel. You must seek validation within yourself and be kind to yourself."

She was exasperated with the idea of determining the personality of a person with their physique and did what she did to tell that volume has nothing to do with value. I am pro-fitness and am still over-weight, that doesn't make me a hypocrite for not being what I believe or does not distraught me because I cannot touch my toe without bending my knee. Its called embracing oneself. To be precise, my size does not withold the measure of my smile.

Choices.

If you are gifted with a smart phone that does not support connecting to wi-fi, is you having a smart phone making any sense to you? Or if your job is well-paying so much that its more than what you wanted but still your boss is a crack-head making you feel incompetent, is that money still making you happy?

I am that person who'd choose spending lone time with myself than joining a bunch of good friends at the club or who would pass shopping with my husband who in fact wants to get me stuff, and rather sit near the window sill and ponder on what should be the next line in this blog post. As cliche as this may sound, it is true that each day brings with it hope, opportunity and experience. Its completely left to us to embrace it and make it a possibility. 

Doing what you think works for you best is the best way to be doing things.

Life’s a mix, of the good, better and best. There is no ugly, horrid or execrable. I say this because all the so called painful things that life brings us is like the dung that's essential for a plant to germinate and the flowers to bloom. We need the pain as much as the victory; the hardships as much as the glory and the wounds as much as the praise. Keep your worrying brief, just like this post. 

For the love of words.

Laboring for money and gratification rarely intersect. Most people run in parallels, while few have a good taste of both and try to fit in until they give up completely and choose what works for them monetarily.

                                      

I've been working in the Marketing Communication industry for almost 5 years straight after my MBA. Got married to a Marine, so had to quit my regular day job to acclimatize and get ready to swim into the tide of family bonding and take over the role of a bahu ;) Anyway, the point is, I love words, I always have. I generally set my Username to Logophile. I love calling myself that. I haven't known anything more fulfilling, comforting, empowering or strengthening than the words I write. I do not know if the feeling is mutual for everyone who writes for pleasure or work, but this is why I write. I find rest to my aching head when I spill the menace into a paper.

I wonder if everyone who have known their passion in life can relate to that as to how I look at words, mmm. I guess they will be able to, certainly. How else does having a strong love or passion for something justifiable if it does not distract you into giving it precedence above the rest of the important things in life. I remember my mom telling me how her younger brother (my uncle/maama) used to wash and clean his Royal Enfield first thing in the morning even before completing his morning chores. That speaks of the love for his bike. I am convinced love of that kind is imperative to persuade and succeed in life in their field of love. 

Personally recently, I have attained a new low in life. I literally drag myself out of my room every two to three hours once just to be in the vicinity and proximity of my in-laws. I am sick of watching Castle, How I Met Your Mother, Crazy Ones, Two Broke Girls, Boston Legal and Two and a Half Men and of course their re-telecasts during the day. Sigh! I've become painfully deplorable in watching YouTube videos with skip-able ads while I still watch them without skipping the ads. But in all this craziness and despicableness, the sweet fragrance and beaming light of words allures me in a twinkle of enchanted rhapsody.

That is my Saviour and redeemer keeping me sane and lucid.

Nothingness & Morose.

As against the promoted opinion that nothingness is a form of pleasure, I'd like to assertively disagree. Nothingness is nothing less than a nada, nix, nil and barreness. I have recently stopped working, I'd like to say that am on sabbatical as this was my much needed break. I've pretty much worked all my life. You know what they say.. You don't know what its worth, until you lose it.. Eh, the funny thing is, it works the opposite way for me. I know how much time is important, because I have it in abundance.

My days are spent before the TV. I practically do everything before the TV but for pooping and peeing. I am losing my mind being in a state of nothingness. I never really enjoyed it, I am not put into it, I chose this and now I am hurting myself, mentally and physically by not doing justice to the time I have. There is so much I can do with this gift of time, but what I choose to do is wait out before the TV till the time I cannot take it any more and begin to rant.. just like this.

You know its very hard to explain my state of mind. Its like the picture above - I am screaming from within. There is confusion, distress, worry, disgust and yet clearly and most certainly I know what is wrong rather what is missing - Motivation. Life has never been unfair to me, I just stopped trusting it. Well, not anymore.

Why am I a fool?

I waited, I expected,

I returned empty handed.

And still I waited and expected.

I cried, I wept,

I couldn't sleep at night.

I called, I texted and was ignored,

Yet I called, texted and wept the entire night.

I trusted, I was betrayed.

I loved and was heart broken,

I surrendered and was exploited

And yet again I believed.

Now you know the answer to my title.

Sin: Behind its sweetness

I remember how it came in colours of purple, scarlet and black,

Beautiful to the naked eye,

In multi-coloured robes it came toward me beaming,

I swayed in its allure and it made me blind to the truth.

My heart kept beating fast,

The temperature within me was rising, 

I started feeling disconnected to my heart and mind,

I almost surrendered.

Step by step, inch by inch, 

The determination, purity and self-will faded,

Sin has a power, it is greater than all of us, 

And I got engulfed.

I vividly remember when I gave into it, 

It was a split second, but seemed really long.

I have now been invaded, before I knew I was enslaved.

The feeling was everything opposite to glitter, shine, radiance and fragrance.

I felt like the dirt in a swine's snort.

Sin is manipulation and deception in a beautiful attire,

I felt being eaten by worms and insects would feel better than the guilt of sin. Guilt! Yes that's where the light of God shines!

This vile body is a self-destructive sheet of iron ready to feed the magnet of sin. Its that natural, effortless and obvious. It seems to me that sin and the humans are made for each other. They click in a jiffy, they get involved in less than a minute and are making-out publically and shamelessly. They both are that spontaneous and meant-to-be.

Once you befriend sin, it embraces you and showers you with its choicest goodies like addiction, bitterness, unfaithfulness, hatred, disrespectfulness and abundance of pride. The funny thing is you have no idea that you have been gifted these qualities. They transcend into your personality and the transition is seamless. 

You comply and accomplish whatever your heart desires. Its as almost you get whatever your heart wants. But wait it won't be long before the candy eyed sinful snake tries to ruin you. As deep as you get into sin, you will be that close to giving up on your life.

There's Only One way to come out of it, Jesus.

His Might is all-dispersing and greater-than-sin. He is the only cure for the epidemic of sin. Not liquor or clubbing or adultery or drugs or partying. Only Jesus. Only His grace and the faith in Him. I cannot begin to describe the supremacy in Jesus' Name. 

Have you tried calling out 'Jesus' when you are in mental or physical pain? Next time, do it. Scream from the bottom of your heart. Say 'Jesus' with a sincere heart and a broken spirit and you will be amazed at His unicorn strength and how He turns your sobbing into laughter. Do it with faith. I urge all my readers to try Jesus. You will never be disappointed. That's a promise.

God bless! 

Getting Lost Amid Trees

Fancy huh? Yeah I like the idea of it too. My closest experience being around full grown dense trees was my walk in IIT-Madras for a dance event. The University campus is a lush foliage. Its a miniature world in itself. I have been there only once and I know very little about what else the place holds. Its a scenic beauty I must say. Walking under huge masculine trees is a bliss in itself. Their branches spread out like muscular shoulders and you feel safe and loved under them.

It is hard to explain how I feel when I see the beautiful majestic and vast expanse of the trees, I feel they talk to me when I continuously look at it. I feel they're listening when I speak my heart. The beautiful sun rays between the ferns and fronds against the beaming radiant sky is worth a million bucks. That's my favorite view of the trees. The window in my room opens up to this comeliness, and I love how a lone ray of sun escapes into my room, lighting up my heart and bringing a natural smile on my face.

When I got pensive about how nature introduces a pleasantness in our life despite how we treat it, it syphoned my amazement to the Master of it all, the Creator God. Everything that the Lord has made is perfect. From the sun, moon, stars, trees, seas, wind, hills, valleys.. e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. including man. How we ruin it is a wonder! Anyway, am glad that the trees are always going to stand tall, calm and inspiring to everyone that come to it despite their state of mind and I personally will always look upto it!