Did she have it in her?

Yes, this is my journal and no, that is not a vodoo doll.

She thought she knew what she wanted,

And she let herself believe in it.

She worked hard at it

And realised she wasn't going far

She sat back; asking herself,

If she really knew what she wanted

Her heart said it did; and

Her mind acted like a dud

She tried yet again; and this time

She put her mind to it

It looked like she was going to make it work

But her faith kind of faltered 

She looked around for help

A comforting face, a kind smile: None.

She looked within and Alas,

A friend waiting and a passionate soul

She got to her desk again, now feeling different

Not with a plan yet, but with a sure goal

She knew she had herself

And that can sometimes be too much too.

She leaned behind and smiled; Her mind echoed, 

'Life is not as bad as you thought, eh?'

But her heart thundered, ' Life is great.,

Just be willing and always believe'

Beware of the office flirt.

I have an appetite for unhealthy food and so does my heart for unhealthy relationships. The desire to feel belonged is the first hit of shovel on the grave of independence. Being in a relationship; the idea of someone dominating you out of their possessive love for you is what romantic best sellers are made of and what unadulterated teenagers in their adolescent prime crave for. But that is not what a liberal, forward thinking, independent girl like me can stick up with.

Boys come in all sizes and shapes (pun unintended, really). Yeah, there are the cute ones with vacant brains, the brainy ones with narrow minds, the douche bags border-lining as smarty pants and the wannabes trying to scale up at their charismatic game.

Every girl loves a little pampering, unfiltered compliments, a little tongue in cheek moments when *conversing* with the guy she is crushing on. You know the coquettish behaviour of flirtatious laughs, uncontrollable giggles and obvious drooling action? Yes, we all love it but hey, don't interpret all that coying to be a green signal to take things to the next level, cause buddy there is no next level in office flirting unless you are immature, sad and do not see your self-worth or is driven on attaining your full potential.

I am all in for socialising, cracking up, chilling out, even sharing inappropriate jokes and stuff, but hey, know what you want. Stay focused, don't let the circumstances take its own course, be in control. Besides, some people are really sweet, don't lead them (read as use them) if you're not planning on receive them at the other end.

Life goes on..

Packing lunch for parents is quite a nice thing to do, so I hurriedly stuffed their boxes, as parents can also be like the kids that run late to school. It was around 10 am and I felt that the day was already over. I hate the feeling of having nothing to do in a world of infinite opportunities. Um, yeah, I heard how it sounded in your head. So let me rephrase it, "I hate myself for allowing me to feel that I have nothing to do in this world of infinite opportunities."

Unable to delete those defecating thoughts of nothingness and self pity, I went to my room and spiralled on my bed. I was telling myself in the ghastly way possible that I do not want to sleep away right now, I do not want to be succumbed to anything lecherous or defiling on thoughts or actions just because I feel empty inside. I lay there feeling bleak at heart and pained in my soul. I think I allowed myself to fall asleep for 15 mins, it felt like one of those cold nights, where the chillness in the atmosphere gives you the feeling of luxury and comfort, the natures way. I thought it was raining as I could hear the droplets of joy and the smell of sweet petrichor and I could feel my heart dampen with cognizance and willingness to shake off my doleful and pessimistic feeling about life.

I turned over and faced the ceiling, still having my eyes closed as I was too afraid to open my eyes to my pathetic self. I told myself under my breath those 3 magic words, 'Life goes on..' 

"Everyday is a choice we make to improve our present state of life or dig ourselves an early grave." I thought of all the underprivileged people on this planet, destroyed by the inability to grow out of their poverty, drug addiction, slavery, epidemic diseases and those dying in war camps and battlefield. I thought of the free life I have, without ANY of the above mentioned cripplement. Every moment is a decision we make to be happy and bold irrespective of the circumstances we are in. 

Moment of Weakness.

Sitting quietly in an unnoticed corner with tears dripping continuously and my heart racing over my will power, I think of the moment that will be if I gave in to this moment of weakness. Why do I call it a weakness when it seems as the right-est thing to do? It is weakness because I know in my mind and somewhere in my heart that I should not be doing it. 

Why should I not choose that part of my heart that encourages me to do the thing that 'seems' like the right thing to do? I cannot cave to that part of my heart as that is the part I created to support my irrational thoughts and talk me into the things that I do not wish to do (in the right mind) but still wish to do.

I want it so bad, I don't think I can go past the compelling feeling of wanting to make a call or send a text. If I go ahead and give in to that moment of weakness, I will for that single moment or two be happy or don't know how I will actually feel. If it was really good for my life, why is there no peace in my heart, why are my cheeks still wet and why am I choking over my own voice? 

If this is real happiness why is it making me so weak?

Choices.

If you are gifted with a smart phone that does not support connecting to wi-fi, is you having a smart phone making any sense to you? Or if your job is well-paying so much that its more than what you wanted but still your boss is a crack-head making you feel incompetent, is that money still making you happy?

I am that person who'd choose spending lone time with myself than joining a bunch of good friends at the club or who would pass shopping with my husband who in fact wants to get me stuff, and rather sit near the window sill and ponder on what should be the next line in this blog post. As cliche as this may sound, it is true that each day brings with it hope, opportunity and experience. Its completely left to us to embrace it and make it a possibility. 

Doing what you think works for you best is the best way to be doing things.

Life’s a mix, of the good, better and best. There is no ugly, horrid or execrable. I say this because all the so called painful things that life brings us is like the dung that's essential for a plant to germinate and the flowers to bloom. We need the pain as much as the victory; the hardships as much as the glory and the wounds as much as the praise. Keep your worrying brief, just like this post. 

The Princess and the Marine 2001

This movie is a true beauty.  It was bright to my eyes and pale to my soul. I was feeling so overwhelmed and happy for the couple. When they missed each other, I was ufff.. When they got an opportunity to meet & kiss I was yay for them! I felt really good watching the movie. It is one of the very few movies I really enjoyed. I don't know if you guys have watched this movie before or planning on watching it after you'll read this, but what I gotta say is after all it sucks to know what the future holds.

I was all awww and ahhh throughout the movie and when I saw a happy ending I was all the more thrilled! When the curtains were dropped and just before the names of the cast appeared, there was a message and I was like oh boy, this sucks! You'll may not fully understand what was wrong and I don't want to fully give away the scene. You may want to watch it to decide yourself. Anyway, what inspired me to pen this post is the realisation that the Father above knows it all - in big block letters I want to repeat. HE KNOWS IT ALL. 

We are just a bunch of half-baked humans trying to put things together like we are the anchor of our lives. Huh! God is in charge of every episode in our life and when the season changes, he gives us the reason too in the following season. A happy ending might lead to a gross beginning and that inturn will head to a happy ending. There is always hope. Always and at all times till we breathe our last. I felt really bad to know how they ended up in 5 years after knowing they were inseparable in love having built their relationship on gratitude, respect, mutual desire for one another, so much determination and the willingness to be together.

But when its time, it's time! What I gathered from the People Magazine article is that the Princess had gone astray in the crazy night life of vegas. She threw away a man's endearing love for something that was vain and temporal? I am not judging here, I don't actually know what she went through. But given the circumstances and going by the statement of Johnson especially when he told the press "Deep down inside, she knows that I loved her more than anything in the world. I can say I enjoyed every minute I spent with her." I thought wow! This is love, true and surreal.

When I read what he felt for her I could feel again the strong essence of their love and the sneak-peek of how they would have felt in the fairy tale of love. Oh it was so so worth all the hardships they overcame. That's the beauty of love, there is no single explanation to define the boundaries of love. It is truly divine.

P.S Sorry for clumsily putting together unrefined thoughts, but this is what the movie did to me. Shook me up and left me in awe!

You are the only person you have.

This title was not coined in a fancy. It is from a lifetime of understanding and annihilation of feelings which makes any self respecting person into a warehouse of wisdom. Life is not a bed of roses, so cliché yet bloody true. There is hard work and struggle at EVERY step in life, no rest, just battles. Not just one day but every second day. It's like the sun, the scorching heat might burn your skin but you can't do without the light.

Success is a big word to me, bigger than happiness. You can find happiness in small things but success is for the best people. You can never attain it in the fullest meaning of the word; its just a step to stamp on and lift yourself to the next step. Failure to me is bemusing, its got the quality of changing lives. It makes me humble, it makes me strong. It knocks me down, it brings me up. I need it, I can't do without it, but I don't desire it. 

I have many people in my life, just like any one of you. Parents, siblings, friends, spouse and many others. You talk, fight, dine and dance with them, people people everywhere all through your life. Yet, there is that loneliness; it is alive, you cannot deny. There is that emptiness, the well of consuming thoughts visiting you at steady intervals leading you to depressing nights or brighter paths. You can't meddle with it, its a consuming fire. You need to be clever, you need to know and believe that you have the power to make your life a blossom that God wanted you to be.

You need to pull yourself together, take a deep breath, connect with your inner man and move forward, and before you know it, you'd be at the last step to success and victory will be waiting to embrace you. Always remember, you are the only person you have; know yourself like no other.