Song of the fighter woman

She swayed in the current 
Whilst thinking she had a plan
She was moving but not forward
Continuously inspired but insipid to act

Oh she talked of many possibilities
So much so, that her own words wearied her

She knew what uniqueness she was made of
Yet doubted her underlying greatness

She waited for life to take its course
And boy, did it not; There were many

seasons and she embraced them all

She pocketed them and harmonious

Her presence in the present seemed non-existent
Yet wise to not let mediocre prevail

She knew comfort meant trouble lurking
She had to had to take a stand

Life comes with only a finite number of  cards,

And here she was, already over drawing
She knew time has been racing her all along

Poor time couldn't see the competitor in her

Her hopes pinned on her steadfast heart

Her dreams now worked out as anchored plans 

She uncoiled, brought her feet to the ground

Leapt to take off and set sail

What remained now was for the world to see
See her fly in the vast compass of  the sky

Against the current, along the mighty eagles

Soaring high while conquering the storm 

Go figure!

Every girl believes she is beautiful. How much weightage she assigns to this truth is relative, but in her soul, every girl thinks she looks beautiful (at least in some angles). I am no exception. Growing up, I did not worry much about my looks. My idea of good looking was neat looking and presentable, nothing more. Then came adolescence, that didn't change me either. I was mostly by myself and thankfully did not have a rebellious attitude. Late teens and early 20s - not much of a change, hadn't used a kohl pencil (eye liner) or a foundation on face up until then. Could say was the biggest make-up virgin in grad school.

Went to Bangalore for my post-grad. Met a bunch of good people and a lot of wannabes. Discovered myself, not necessarily my strengths, but discovered myself for who I was. I knew what I was made of, what I was inclined to, what I abhorred, what I fancied and that was a great learning. Worked for a couple of years there and moved back to Chennai, home of my heart. You know how you get your way around some things effortlessly? Like I didn't really have to work or strive for few comforts. It just happened to me every time, like I was entitled to it and the cosmic powers worked in unison to have that thing delivered to me. But with age, I got more wise and I think I jinxed it or real life happened.

I became intrigued observing and moving with people who did certain things in a certain fashion and always found good results. There was a plan, there was a pattern. They had a routine, they were conscious of everything they would think, say, do or not do. I figured the character mix of people who are beautiful and successful are hardworking, positive, genuine, kind hearted, friendly, cool-headed, empathetic, perseverant and they invariably had a high self-esteem. This list may not be exclusive but surely this is the combination. Every person's path of discovery of himself is different, but when the desire burns bright, the light is shone on the path. That is a certainty.

Love Unconditional

God created the Universe,

The shining stars and the beaming sun,

He let the earth hung on it,

Yet held me close in His heart.

I cannot speak of His love divine,

It is pure, it is radiant and it is undefiled,

To have a Father and Friend like Him,

I did no good or helped no poor,

His Mercy reaches the ends of the Universe,

His grace shoots up till the Milky way.

To think this world is here to stay,

Is akin to the sheep that has no understanding of the slaughter house,

The butcher is waiting with his sharpened knife,

But he looks so pleasant and charming to the face.

Don't fall a prey, 

Your life is most precious.

Jesus hung on the cross and purchased you with His blood,

Don't let the devil deceive you.

He shows you pearls and lures you with vain joy,
His heart is crooked, his ways are twisted.

Is not the God who created you not know what kind of joy you will need?
Try Jesus.
You will never want the world again.
Come to Him now, He is waiting for you. 

Feeling Fat, Ugly and Good.

I'd like to be honest, even in my writing. So here comes the bitter waffle wrapped in chocolate sauce.

When you're 25, just married and your husband is super hot and you both live in a cosmic city amidst equally good-looking & great friends and *wait for it* YOU weigh 185 pounds (equivalent or more than a fully pregnant lady) *long pause* you know your happiness is compromised.

Whoever, whenever, however says that its okay to be on the healthy side i.e. a little plumpy, either does not understand women or has dreams to pursue & goals to attain or self respect, or the desire to live amicably, joyously or appreciably. Though I sound absolutely harum-scarum and completely opinionated, trust me when I say that I am not angry, fed up, distressed or hopeless. 

Lets be honest, we are still the same people that allow our eyes to pause a little longer on a toned body at the supermarket or a traffic signal and seamlessly look away from someone who look like a beached whale without an iota of asservation (even in our subconcious mind) that there was a person in the vicinity that our eyes fell upon, even accidently.

Here's the real deal. To want to look good can be your state of mind but to be good-looking is the norm of the society. From the broadband service guy who comes to your house to fix the seldom connecting modem to the sales girl at a road-side store wearing a stem long earring, everyone is high on looking good and scouting for attention, but what has all that to do with self esteem?

Self-esteem is based on what you think;
Self-respect is based on what you do. 


Don't misinterpret or misunderstand them. It is extremely normal for any person (however huge) to love themselves and not be a bigot. In fact as against popular saying that fat people have low esteem, I can tell from experience that the bigger ones are more open-minded, friendly and approachable, care-free and mildly innocent. I recently read in foxdc.com about Amani Terrell (250 pounds) who walked around wearing only a bikini in the Hollywood boulevard. What she said was truly meaningful and inspiring. "You can not seek validation from other people. This world is very cruel. You must seek validation within yourself and be kind to yourself."

She was exasperated with the idea of determining the personality of a person with their physique and did what she did to tell that volume has nothing to do with value. I am pro-fitness and am still over-weight, that doesn't make me a hypocrite for not being what I believe or does not distraught me because I cannot touch my toe without bending my knee. Its called embracing oneself. To be precise, my size does not withold the measure of my smile.

Choices.

If you are gifted with a smart phone that does not support connecting to wi-fi, is you having a smart phone making any sense to you? Or if your job is well-paying so much that its more than what you wanted but still your boss is a crack-head making you feel incompetent, is that money still making you happy?

I am that person who'd choose spending lone time with myself than joining a bunch of good friends at the club or who would pass shopping with my husband who in fact wants to get me stuff, and rather sit near the window sill and ponder on what should be the next line in this blog post. As cliche as this may sound, it is true that each day brings with it hope, opportunity and experience. Its completely left to us to embrace it and make it a possibility. 

Doing what you think works for you best is the best way to be doing things.

Life’s a mix, of the good, better and best. There is no ugly, horrid or execrable. I say this because all the so called painful things that life brings us is like the dung that's essential for a plant to germinate and the flowers to bloom. We need the pain as much as the victory; the hardships as much as the glory and the wounds as much as the praise. Keep your worrying brief, just like this post. 

Sin: Behind its sweetness

I remember how it came in colours of purple, scarlet and black,

Beautiful to the naked eye,

In multi-coloured robes it came toward me beaming,

I swayed in its allure and it made me blind to the truth.

My heart kept beating fast,

The temperature within me was rising, 

I started feeling disconnected to my heart and mind,

I almost surrendered.

Step by step, inch by inch, 

The determination, purity and self-will faded,

Sin has a power, it is greater than all of us, 

And I got engulfed.

I vividly remember when I gave into it, 

It was a split second, but seemed really long.

I have now been invaded, before I knew I was enslaved.

The feeling was everything opposite to glitter, shine, radiance and fragrance.

I felt like the dirt in a swine's snort.

Sin is manipulation and deception in a beautiful attire,

I felt being eaten by worms and insects would feel better than the guilt of sin. Guilt! Yes that's where the light of God shines!

This vile body is a self-destructive sheet of iron ready to feed the magnet of sin. Its that natural, effortless and obvious. It seems to me that sin and the humans are made for each other. They click in a jiffy, they get involved in less than a minute and are making-out publically and shamelessly. They both are that spontaneous and meant-to-be.

Once you befriend sin, it embraces you and showers you with its choicest goodies like addiction, bitterness, unfaithfulness, hatred, disrespectfulness and abundance of pride. The funny thing is you have no idea that you have been gifted these qualities. They transcend into your personality and the transition is seamless. 

You comply and accomplish whatever your heart desires. Its as almost you get whatever your heart wants. But wait it won't be long before the candy eyed sinful snake tries to ruin you. As deep as you get into sin, you will be that close to giving up on your life.

There's Only One way to come out of it, Jesus.

His Might is all-dispersing and greater-than-sin. He is the only cure for the epidemic of sin. Not liquor or clubbing or adultery or drugs or partying. Only Jesus. Only His grace and the faith in Him. I cannot begin to describe the supremacy in Jesus' Name. 

Have you tried calling out 'Jesus' when you are in mental or physical pain? Next time, do it. Scream from the bottom of your heart. Say 'Jesus' with a sincere heart and a broken spirit and you will be amazed at His unicorn strength and how He turns your sobbing into laughter. Do it with faith. I urge all my readers to try Jesus. You will never be disappointed. That's a promise.

God bless! 

Do it. Jus' Do it.

Procrastination is my middle name. I don't remember doing a thing the same day I was asked to do. It is one thing to be selfish and make sure 'your' work is done and it's another thing to dilly-dally on the work assigned to you. But I am an exception. I don't do my work on time nor others'. Uhm, I am not proud of it ya'll, don't look at me like that. *straight face*

I took time to find out why I am like this, well its in my gene for one. My father did not even collect the pension benefits after my nana passed away. He put it off for a later date and that work never saw daylight. Most of the times, when I drag it off, the work actually never gets done. It either becomes too late, or I just wrap it off without much attention, so obviously the end result would be no good.

Having a habit/attitude/behaviour of this kind just rusted me. I wasn't happy. I wasn't a reliable person. I created a very undependable image. Though friends and family weren't explicit about it, I knew this was in their mind cause I carried such an aura with me. We'll I earned it. Days, months and years passed and I was still trying to fix this habit, I couldn't. 

For a day or two, I'd be just perfect. Then it was going back to the drawing board. I used to be so frustrated with myself and my parents cause they were just fed up with me and kinda labelled me as inadequate. Well I deserved it, so I couldn't really say anything about it.

I got married and nothing changed. When my husband used to be quick and immaculate with all his work, I used to feel miserable, not because I was jealous, hell no. I thought I wasn't may be good for him, he is close to a perfectionist and me close to a certified putter. Grave inferiority complex choked me, everyday became a mourning. I felt incorrigible, I felt forsaken.  But wait, mourning lasts for a night; joy cometh in the morning.

After what seems like an era of adjourning and warming chairs, I met myself. I looked at myself, frail and pathetic. I talked myself into agreeing this cannot go on and things have got to change as it was affecting my personal and professional life.. Believe me, things have been beautiful since then.

I want to close by saying - You are the power. You have the power. You can do it, so why not?