Dear you.

It appears to me that the only time you have a conversation with yourself is when you are disappointed in yourself. Stop acting like you don’t know what I am talking about. I am talking about the lonely pillow talks with yourself crying and feeling miserable. Does that jog your memory? Or how about your silent suppression of self-esteem whenever you see someone prettier, smarter, wealthier or talented than you are? Now, don’t make me give you the ugly list of all the times in a day you do this to yourself, in fact every time you’re alone with your thoughts, isn't this what your really up to?

Are you stupid?

Nah, the right question is, how can you be so stupid?

I guess, I was right earlier. You ARE stupid.

Look at your palm. Seriously, look at your fingers. (I know you're not looking) you notice each of your finger is in a different size, don't you? If all the fingers were of the same size, you cannot use it like you do now. The lows and lengths in your life have a reason. They lead you to a new place. A better place. The kind of place where the pain of your past has a meaning. Don't disregard any experience as bootless. Life is not meant to be perfect. 

Look back at all the amazing and beautiful things that happened in your life. They were either preceded or succeeded by shitty, painful days. Life is like a lorry stuck in Mount Road traffic (Chennai references, hehe), there are times it will have its way, times it will not. Sometimes at midnight it has the entire road to itself like a boss. Its about the time and seasons. Change is the only constant. Don’t be consumed in the pain of the hopeless things that are happening in your life today. Look up. Rejoice. Remember the merry days, the smiles, the little joys. I don't see you grinning or laughing alone at night reminiscing the amazing things that have happened to you from your birth, then why do it only with hurtful things? Fill your heart with thankfulness instead of spite and bitterness. Prepare your heart for the beauty that is just ahead. Don’t wallow in pain, rise above! 

P.S I was encouraged to write this piece because every time I have a conversation with a friend or kin, they talk tirelessly on how gloomy things have been in their life. They hardly even mention or acknowledge any good thing. But knowing their life, I have seen in their lives successes and everyday blessings which they hardly make mention or celebrate. Pain consumes. Joy uplifts. But don't have to let pain consume us. We can let it fuel us. It is an option. Make that choice.

Midnight awakenings.

The blood to her heart pumped in an uninterrupted motion. The day's chores were done, vessels were washed, curtains were drawn, night lamps glinted dimly and it was time to retire to bed. Her eyes refused to close, thanks to her unwarranted evening nap. Her faithful phone lay next to her nudging her with flickering notification lights, eventually seducing her despaired mind. She picked it up in one mindless scoop.

She surfed from pages to sites, profiles to channels, opened Apps after Apps; her burgeoning mind didn't seem to catch a break. At one particular point she became mindful when a video of two friends conversing alerted her. It was a Q&A on fashion blogging. Her forehead narrowed with interest, and her hearing grew powerful as the video played along. The jist of the conversation was this: One friend asked the other how she managed to make her blog popular. Her friend answered that she would stay up till 3:00 am to edit the pictures from the photo shoot and would learn other skills needed to run a blog. She said she does not like to be dependent on anybody for her work and prefers to do everything by herself. Since she was passionate she could stay motivated and push harder everyday.

<Grammar screw up alert: No more third person. That She is I. Moving along in first person>

I abruptly stopped the video. I felt inspired. It was not news which I didn't know. If anything, I knew working hard has its rewards. But working and working with passion are two different things. Passion is the payoff ingredient and that really struck a chord with me. I could feel my heart beginning to pump a gallon of blood. I could feel my heart soar at that moment. The time was 2:15 am. It reminded me of my plan and the aspirations of my heart. The things I ever so excitedly talk about it, but words mean nothing when there is no passionate work? 

I straightened myself and grabbed my notebook. I looked for my favorite pen in a frenzy. I was heavily inspired to document the revelation of the last couple of moments. I couldn't find the pen. I frantically looked for it and was getting increasingly peeved. And suddenly it dawned on me; my moment of clarity. I could see the mess in the maze of my plan. I could see how I get put off and discouraged for the smallest things. I do have a vision but I operate like a robot. I am not open or flexible, though I claim that I am. I guess I am lying to myself. I need perseverance. I need to be willing to take new directions even if it is ambiguous. Above all I need to work my tail off.

One of my fears had been that I am not ready to make it in the big world. I need to be at a certain level to become successful. This has been the torturous voice in my head for as long as I can remember. But today I knocked down that mirage that had me trapped all these years. I don't have to be ready, I just have to be unapologetically me!. Borrowing the words of Elizabeth Gilbert to summarize, "An imperfect plan executed now is better than a meticulous plan executed never." Our time is now. Believe and act away!

Did she have it in her?

Yes, this is my journal and no, that is not a vodoo doll.

She thought she knew what she wanted,

And she let herself believe in it.

She worked hard at it

And realised she wasn't going far

She sat back; asking herself,

If she really knew what she wanted

Her heart said it did; and

Her mind acted like a dud

She tried yet again; and this time

She put her mind to it

It looked like she was going to make it work

But her faith kind of faltered 

She looked around for help

A comforting face, a kind smile: None.

She looked within and Alas,

A friend waiting and a passionate soul

She got to her desk again, now feeling different

Not with a plan yet, but with a sure goal

She knew she had herself

And that can sometimes be too much too.

She leaned behind and smiled; Her mind echoed, 

'Life is not as bad as you thought, eh?'

But her heart thundered, ' Life is great.,

Just be willing and always believe'

Life goes on..

Packing lunch for parents is quite a nice thing to do, so I hurriedly stuffed their boxes, as parents can also be like the kids that run late to school. It was around 10 am and I felt that the day was already over. I hate the feeling of having nothing to do in a world of infinite opportunities. Um, yeah, I heard how it sounded in your head. So let me rephrase it, "I hate myself for allowing me to feel that I have nothing to do in this world of infinite opportunities."

Unable to delete those defecating thoughts of nothingness and self pity, I went to my room and spiralled on my bed. I was telling myself in the ghastly way possible that I do not want to sleep away right now, I do not want to be succumbed to anything lecherous or defiling on thoughts or actions just because I feel empty inside. I lay there feeling bleak at heart and pained in my soul. I think I allowed myself to fall asleep for 15 mins, it felt like one of those cold nights, where the chillness in the atmosphere gives you the feeling of luxury and comfort, the natures way. I thought it was raining as I could hear the droplets of joy and the smell of sweet petrichor and I could feel my heart dampen with cognizance and willingness to shake off my doleful and pessimistic feeling about life.

I turned over and faced the ceiling, still having my eyes closed as I was too afraid to open my eyes to my pathetic self. I told myself under my breath those 3 magic words, 'Life goes on..' 

"Everyday is a choice we make to improve our present state of life or dig ourselves an early grave." I thought of all the underprivileged people on this planet, destroyed by the inability to grow out of their poverty, drug addiction, slavery, epidemic diseases and those dying in war camps and battlefield. I thought of the free life I have, without ANY of the above mentioned cripplement. Every moment is a decision we make to be happy and bold irrespective of the circumstances we are in. 

Choices.

If you are gifted with a smart phone that does not support connecting to wi-fi, is you having a smart phone making any sense to you? Or if your job is well-paying so much that its more than what you wanted but still your boss is a crack-head making you feel incompetent, is that money still making you happy?

I am that person who'd choose spending lone time with myself than joining a bunch of good friends at the club or who would pass shopping with my husband who in fact wants to get me stuff, and rather sit near the window sill and ponder on what should be the next line in this blog post. As cliche as this may sound, it is true that each day brings with it hope, opportunity and experience. Its completely left to us to embrace it and make it a possibility. 

Doing what you think works for you best is the best way to be doing things.

Life’s a mix, of the good, better and best. There is no ugly, horrid or execrable. I say this because all the so called painful things that life brings us is like the dung that's essential for a plant to germinate and the flowers to bloom. We need the pain as much as the victory; the hardships as much as the glory and the wounds as much as the praise. Keep your worrying brief, just like this post. 

Nothingness & Morose.

As against the promoted opinion that nothingness is a form of pleasure, I'd like to assertively disagree. Nothingness is nothing less than a nada, nix, nil and barreness. I have recently stopped working, I'd like to say that am on sabbatical as this was my much needed break. I've pretty much worked all my life. You know what they say.. You don't know what its worth, until you lose it.. Eh, the funny thing is, it works the opposite way for me. I know how much time is important, because I have it in abundance.

My days are spent before the TV. I practically do everything before the TV but for pooping and peeing. I am losing my mind being in a state of nothingness. I never really enjoyed it, I am not put into it, I chose this and now I am hurting myself, mentally and physically by not doing justice to the time I have. There is so much I can do with this gift of time, but what I choose to do is wait out before the TV till the time I cannot take it any more and begin to rant.. just like this.

You know its very hard to explain my state of mind. Its like the picture above - I am screaming from within. There is confusion, distress, worry, disgust and yet clearly and most certainly I know what is wrong rather what is missing - Motivation. Life has never been unfair to me, I just stopped trusting it. Well, not anymore.

Zero Motivation.

I find myself in this state more often. My understanding of motivation is to have the will to accomplish. I have the will, but I haven't accomplished...yet.

Does that mean my motivation is not good enough? Who motivates who? Whoever motivates, I see no change. I agree and realise, yet nothing. Nothing because there is no act. This is where I completely fail on following the famous marketing principles of planning, organising, implementing and controlling. I don't do these things. 

Because its too much work you know. So I am not only motivated enough, but also dead lazy, mmmm. I just carry this grave disbelief that I can never achieve. This is sad, yes it is. When I am so sure of what I am, I should may be stop trying.

Wait, may be I should try harder. May be someday I can add a One before the zero and give myself the benefit of being zero motivated once. Or.., whatever!