Nothingness & Morose.

As against the promoted opinion that nothingness is a form of pleasure, I'd like to assertively disagree. Nothingness is nothing less than a nada, nix, nil and barreness. I have recently stopped working, I'd like to say that am on sabbatical as this was my much needed break. I've pretty much worked all my life. You know what they say.. You don't know what its worth, until you lose it.. Eh, the funny thing is, it works the opposite way for me. I know how much time is important, because I have it in abundance.

My days are spent before the TV. I practically do everything before the TV but for pooping and peeing. I am losing my mind being in a state of nothingness. I never really enjoyed it, I am not put into it, I chose this and now I am hurting myself, mentally and physically by not doing justice to the time I have. There is so much I can do with this gift of time, but what I choose to do is wait out before the TV till the time I cannot take it any more and begin to rant.. just like this.

You know its very hard to explain my state of mind. Its like the picture above - I am screaming from within. There is confusion, distress, worry, disgust and yet clearly and most certainly I know what is wrong rather what is missing - Motivation. Life has never been unfair to me, I just stopped trusting it. Well, not anymore.

Zero Motivation.

I find myself in this state more often. My understanding of motivation is to have the will to accomplish. I have the will, but I haven't accomplished...yet.

Does that mean my motivation is not good enough? Who motivates who? Whoever motivates, I see no change. I agree and realise, yet nothing. Nothing because there is no act. This is where I completely fail on following the famous marketing principles of planning, organising, implementing and controlling. I don't do these things. 

Because its too much work you know. So I am not only motivated enough, but also dead lazy, mmmm. I just carry this grave disbelief that I can never achieve. This is sad, yes it is. When I am so sure of what I am, I should may be stop trying.

Wait, may be I should try harder. May be someday I can add a One before the zero and give myself the benefit of being zero motivated once. Or.., whatever!

Do it. Jus' Do it.

Procrastination is my middle name. I don't remember doing a thing the same day I was asked to do. It is one thing to be selfish and make sure 'your' work is done and it's another thing to dilly-dally on the work assigned to you. But I am an exception. I don't do my work on time nor others'. Uhm, I am not proud of it ya'll, don't look at me like that. *straight face*

I took time to find out why I am like this, well its in my gene for one. My father did not even collect the pension benefits after my nana passed away. He put it off for a later date and that work never saw daylight. Most of the times, when I drag it off, the work actually never gets done. It either becomes too late, or I just wrap it off without much attention, so obviously the end result would be no good.

Having a habit/attitude/behaviour of this kind just rusted me. I wasn't happy. I wasn't a reliable person. I created a very undependable image. Though friends and family weren't explicit about it, I knew this was in their mind cause I carried such an aura with me. We'll I earned it. Days, months and years passed and I was still trying to fix this habit, I couldn't. 

For a day or two, I'd be just perfect. Then it was going back to the drawing board. I used to be so frustrated with myself and my parents cause they were just fed up with me and kinda labelled me as inadequate. Well I deserved it, so I couldn't really say anything about it.

I got married and nothing changed. When my husband used to be quick and immaculate with all his work, I used to feel miserable, not because I was jealous, hell no. I thought I wasn't may be good for him, he is close to a perfectionist and me close to a certified putter. Grave inferiority complex choked me, everyday became a mourning. I felt incorrigible, I felt forsaken.  But wait, mourning lasts for a night; joy cometh in the morning.

After what seems like an era of adjourning and warming chairs, I met myself. I looked at myself, frail and pathetic. I talked myself into agreeing this cannot go on and things have got to change as it was affecting my personal and professional life.. Believe me, things have been beautiful since then.

I want to close by saying - You are the power. You have the power. You can do it, so why not?