Beware of the office flirt.

I have an appetite for unhealthy food and so does my heart for unhealthy relationships. The desire to feel belonged is the first hit of shovel on the grave of independence. Being in a relationship; the idea of someone dominating you out of their possessive love for you is what romantic best sellers are made of and what unadulterated teenagers in their adolescent prime crave for. But that is not what a liberal, forward thinking, independent girl like me can stick up with.

Boys come in all sizes and shapes (pun unintended, really). Yeah, there are the cute ones with vacant brains, the brainy ones with narrow minds, the douche bags border-lining as smarty pants and the wannabes trying to scale up at their charismatic game.

Every girl loves a little pampering, unfiltered compliments, a little tongue in cheek moments when *conversing* with the guy she is crushing on. You know the coquettish behaviour of flirtatious laughs, uncontrollable giggles and obvious drooling action? Yes, we all love it but hey, don't interpret all that coying to be a green signal to take things to the next level, cause buddy there is no next level in office flirting unless you are immature, sad and do not see your self-worth or is driven on attaining your full potential.

I am all in for socialising, cracking up, chilling out, even sharing inappropriate jokes and stuff, but hey, know what you want. Stay focused, don't let the circumstances take its own course, be in control. Besides, some people are really sweet, don't lead them (read as use them) if you're not planning on receive them at the other end.

He played me

I'll call you back, he said.
She waited for hours, expecting.
His sweet words of simple pleasures lured her.
She lolled around with never-ending anticipation.
He had promises of hope and care.
She surrendered to petty joys.
And succumbed to trivial temptations.

Go figure!

Every girl believes she is beautiful. How much weightage she assigns to this truth is relative, but in her soul, every girl thinks she looks beautiful (at least in some angles). I am no exception. Growing up, I did not worry much about my looks. My idea of good looking was neat looking and presentable, nothing more. Then came adolescence, that didn't change me either. I was mostly by myself and thankfully did not have a rebellious attitude. Late teens and early 20s - not much of a change, hadn't used a kohl pencil (eye liner) or a foundation on face up until then. Could say was the biggest make-up virgin in grad school.

Went to Bangalore for my post-grad. Met a bunch of good people and a lot of wannabes. Discovered myself, not necessarily my strengths, but discovered myself for who I was. I knew what I was made of, what I was inclined to, what I abhorred, what I fancied and that was a great learning. Worked for a couple of years there and moved back to Chennai, home of my heart. You know how you get your way around some things effortlessly? Like I didn't really have to work or strive for few comforts. It just happened to me every time, like I was entitled to it and the cosmic powers worked in unison to have that thing delivered to me. But with age, I got more wise and I think I jinxed it or real life happened.

I became intrigued observing and moving with people who did certain things in a certain fashion and always found good results. There was a plan, there was a pattern. They had a routine, they were conscious of everything they would think, say, do or not do. I figured the character mix of people who are beautiful and successful are hardworking, positive, genuine, kind hearted, friendly, cool-headed, empathetic, perseverant and they invariably had a high self-esteem. This list may not be exclusive but surely this is the combination. Every person's path of discovery of himself is different, but when the desire burns bright, the light is shone on the path. That is a certainty.

Life goes on..

Packing lunch for parents is quite a nice thing to do, so I hurriedly stuffed their boxes, as parents can also be like the kids that run late to school. It was around 10 am and I felt that the day was already over. I hate the feeling of having nothing to do in a world of infinite opportunities. Um, yeah, I heard how it sounded in your head. So let me rephrase it, "I hate myself for allowing me to feel that I have nothing to do in this world of infinite opportunities."

Unable to delete those defecating thoughts of nothingness and self pity, I went to my room and spiralled on my bed. I was telling myself in the ghastly way possible that I do not want to sleep away right now, I do not want to be succumbed to anything lecherous or defiling on thoughts or actions just because I feel empty inside. I lay there feeling bleak at heart and pained in my soul. I think I allowed myself to fall asleep for 15 mins, it felt like one of those cold nights, where the chillness in the atmosphere gives you the feeling of luxury and comfort, the natures way. I thought it was raining as I could hear the droplets of joy and the smell of sweet petrichor and I could feel my heart dampen with cognizance and willingness to shake off my doleful and pessimistic feeling about life.

I turned over and faced the ceiling, still having my eyes closed as I was too afraid to open my eyes to my pathetic self. I told myself under my breath those 3 magic words, 'Life goes on..' 

"Everyday is a choice we make to improve our present state of life or dig ourselves an early grave." I thought of all the underprivileged people on this planet, destroyed by the inability to grow out of their poverty, drug addiction, slavery, epidemic diseases and those dying in war camps and battlefield. I thought of the free life I have, without ANY of the above mentioned cripplement. Every moment is a decision we make to be happy and bold irrespective of the circumstances we are in. 

Moment of Weakness.

Sitting quietly in an unnoticed corner with tears dripping continuously and my heart racing over my will power, I think of the moment that will be if I gave in to this moment of weakness. Why do I call it a weakness when it seems as the right-est thing to do? It is weakness because I know in my mind and somewhere in my heart that I should not be doing it. 

Why should I not choose that part of my heart that encourages me to do the thing that 'seems' like the right thing to do? I cannot cave to that part of my heart as that is the part I created to support my irrational thoughts and talk me into the things that I do not wish to do (in the right mind) but still wish to do.

I want it so bad, I don't think I can go past the compelling feeling of wanting to make a call or send a text. If I go ahead and give in to that moment of weakness, I will for that single moment or two be happy or don't know how I will actually feel. If it was really good for my life, why is there no peace in my heart, why are my cheeks still wet and why am I choking over my own voice? 

If this is real happiness why is it making me so weak?

Feeling Fat, Ugly and Good.

I'd like to be honest, even in my writing. So here comes the bitter waffle wrapped in chocolate sauce.

When you're 25, just married and your husband is super hot and you both live in a cosmic city amidst equally good-looking & great friends and *wait for it* YOU weigh 185 pounds (equivalent or more than a fully pregnant lady) *long pause* you know your happiness is compromised.

Whoever, whenever, however says that its okay to be on the healthy side i.e. a little plumpy, either does not understand women or has dreams to pursue & goals to attain or self respect, or the desire to live amicably, joyously or appreciably. Though I sound absolutely harum-scarum and completely opinionated, trust me when I say that I am not angry, fed up, distressed or hopeless. 

Lets be honest, we are still the same people that allow our eyes to pause a little longer on a toned body at the supermarket or a traffic signal and seamlessly look away from someone who look like a beached whale without an iota of asservation (even in our subconcious mind) that there was a person in the vicinity that our eyes fell upon, even accidently.

Here's the real deal. To want to look good can be your state of mind but to be good-looking is the norm of the society. From the broadband service guy who comes to your house to fix the seldom connecting modem to the sales girl at a road-side store wearing a stem long earring, everyone is high on looking good and scouting for attention, but what has all that to do with self esteem?

Self-esteem is based on what you think;
Self-respect is based on what you do. 


Don't misinterpret or misunderstand them. It is extremely normal for any person (however huge) to love themselves and not be a bigot. In fact as against popular saying that fat people have low esteem, I can tell from experience that the bigger ones are more open-minded, friendly and approachable, care-free and mildly innocent. I recently read in foxdc.com about Amani Terrell (250 pounds) who walked around wearing only a bikini in the Hollywood boulevard. What she said was truly meaningful and inspiring. "You can not seek validation from other people. This world is very cruel. You must seek validation within yourself and be kind to yourself."

She was exasperated with the idea of determining the personality of a person with their physique and did what she did to tell that volume has nothing to do with value. I am pro-fitness and am still over-weight, that doesn't make me a hypocrite for not being what I believe or does not distraught me because I cannot touch my toe without bending my knee. Its called embracing oneself. To be precise, my size does not withold the measure of my smile.

Choices.

If you are gifted with a smart phone that does not support connecting to wi-fi, is you having a smart phone making any sense to you? Or if your job is well-paying so much that its more than what you wanted but still your boss is a crack-head making you feel incompetent, is that money still making you happy?

I am that person who'd choose spending lone time with myself than joining a bunch of good friends at the club or who would pass shopping with my husband who in fact wants to get me stuff, and rather sit near the window sill and ponder on what should be the next line in this blog post. As cliche as this may sound, it is true that each day brings with it hope, opportunity and experience. Its completely left to us to embrace it and make it a possibility. 

Doing what you think works for you best is the best way to be doing things.

Life’s a mix, of the good, better and best. There is no ugly, horrid or execrable. I say this because all the so called painful things that life brings us is like the dung that's essential for a plant to germinate and the flowers to bloom. We need the pain as much as the victory; the hardships as much as the glory and the wounds as much as the praise. Keep your worrying brief, just like this post.