Life goes on..

Packing lunch for parents is quite a nice thing to do, so I hurriedly stuffed their boxes, as parents can also be like the kids that run late to school. It was around 10 am and I felt that the day was already over. I hate the feeling of having nothing to do in a world of infinite opportunities. Um, yeah, I heard how it sounded in your head. So let me rephrase it, "I hate myself for allowing me to feel that I have nothing to do in this world of infinite opportunities."

Unable to delete those defecating thoughts of nothingness and self pity, I went to my room and spiralled on my bed. I was telling myself in the ghastly way possible that I do not want to sleep away right now, I do not want to be succumbed to anything lecherous or defiling on thoughts or actions just because I feel empty inside. I lay there feeling bleak at heart and pained in my soul. I think I allowed myself to fall asleep for 15 mins, it felt like one of those cold nights, where the chillness in the atmosphere gives you the feeling of luxury and comfort, the natures way. I thought it was raining as I could hear the droplets of joy and the smell of sweet petrichor and I could feel my heart dampen with cognizance and willingness to shake off my doleful and pessimistic feeling about life.

I turned over and faced the ceiling, still having my eyes closed as I was too afraid to open my eyes to my pathetic self. I told myself under my breath those 3 magic words, 'Life goes on..' 

"Everyday is a choice we make to improve our present state of life or dig ourselves an early grave." I thought of all the underprivileged people on this planet, destroyed by the inability to grow out of their poverty, drug addiction, slavery, epidemic diseases and those dying in war camps and battlefield. I thought of the free life I have, without ANY of the above mentioned cripplement. Every moment is a decision we make to be happy and bold irrespective of the circumstances we are in. 

When You Go Through So Much Pain...

In life there is so much pain that we go through. Raw, scarful and hurtful experiences. Incidents and encounters that we would have stepped onto wittingly and unwittingly. They have broken us, torn us apart, made us lose hope, scattered our self esteem and have made us feel void. I remember so many times in my life strolling through such instances. They have been cruel. I vividly remember the bucket full of tears I shed every night as I chug holding on to my stuffed monkey aka tinku and mumbling in agony into the pillow.

I still can feel that hot bloody tears that kept soaring through the night almost like my head would fall out and detach from the face area. It was loneliness, helplessness, guilt, regret, abandonment, disappointment, self pity, and all the emotions that made me feel like a loser and a wuss. Almost always my tears ended with prayers. I thank God for that. I needed someone to listen to even when I felt I don't deserve to be considered. The screams in my heart resounded like the cries from the gates of hell. I used to feel devastated and miserable. The best part of these tears were My Lord was always there to wipe them (Rev 21:4). 

When you empty yourself by being crushed and washed out from within, you gain a strength that's akin to a unicorn, I can say it from personal experience. You are practically ready for any kind of crap that life might offer you. Its a feeling of empowerment, confidence, come-what-may-let's-do-this attitude. You must see me the next morning after an elongated night of continuous crying, I may not look my best but I'd certainly feel better. I love that and I know it started with the tears. So I love my tears too. No wonder they rightly put it 'No pain, no gain!' 

Do it. Jus' Do it.

Procrastination is my middle name. I don't remember doing a thing the same day I was asked to do. It is one thing to be selfish and make sure 'your' work is done and it's another thing to dilly-dally on the work assigned to you. But I am an exception. I don't do my work on time nor others'. Uhm, I am not proud of it ya'll, don't look at me like that. *straight face*

I took time to find out why I am like this, well its in my gene for one. My father did not even collect the pension benefits after my nana passed away. He put it off for a later date and that work never saw daylight. Most of the times, when I drag it off, the work actually never gets done. It either becomes too late, or I just wrap it off without much attention, so obviously the end result would be no good.

Having a habit/attitude/behaviour of this kind just rusted me. I wasn't happy. I wasn't a reliable person. I created a very undependable image. Though friends and family weren't explicit about it, I knew this was in their mind cause I carried such an aura with me. We'll I earned it. Days, months and years passed and I was still trying to fix this habit, I couldn't. 

For a day or two, I'd be just perfect. Then it was going back to the drawing board. I used to be so frustrated with myself and my parents cause they were just fed up with me and kinda labelled me as inadequate. Well I deserved it, so I couldn't really say anything about it.

I got married and nothing changed. When my husband used to be quick and immaculate with all his work, I used to feel miserable, not because I was jealous, hell no. I thought I wasn't may be good for him, he is close to a perfectionist and me close to a certified putter. Grave inferiority complex choked me, everyday became a mourning. I felt incorrigible, I felt forsaken.  But wait, mourning lasts for a night; joy cometh in the morning.

After what seems like an era of adjourning and warming chairs, I met myself. I looked at myself, frail and pathetic. I talked myself into agreeing this cannot go on and things have got to change as it was affecting my personal and professional life.. Believe me, things have been beautiful since then.

I want to close by saying - You are the power. You have the power. You can do it, so why not?