About last night.

In the glum darkness of the night, I sat up on my bed. My heart heavy as wet laundry. My tongue stuck to my palate, my eye balls hid under its lids in despair. I straightened my skimpy clothes and considered the life I was given. Contemplated on every opportunity presented, the decisions I made, the experiences I had, the pain I carried, and the tears I wiped.

The sound of thunder and lightning alarmed me and I looked at the fierceness of the bolts savage through my window. I watched nature in action from my melancholic room as the curtains swayed in the mild wind. Is the weather outside painting the accurate picture of the turbulence in my heart? Thoughts rummaged once again pressing my spirit to the lowest pit and I partially went deaf in the ear and numb in my being for a brief while.

Why is it I always feel like I am walking on a rope, why can't I take risks, face challenges and make something out of myself? Why can't my stomach be flat and legs be slim like its meant to be, why can't I have eyebrows that are arch shaped and not like a straight line drawn by a child. I investigated and dissected every meaningful, trivial situation I was ever a part of. Shed drops of salted distress on forgotten heartbreaks, unsavoured relationships, awkward moments, meaningless friendships, self pity and the need for validation.

Sometimes, we women look into our entire lives because we want to be in control, some other times it's just PMS.

The other guy.

He makes me smile.
He makes me dream.

He runs in my mind.
He races my heart.

He excites my senses.
He seduces my hormones.

He lets me be me.
He lets me speak my mind.

He undresses me.
My spirit, soul and body.

He gives me hope, but he won't be around.
He says he loves me, but it is not without reason.

He makes me feel special,
Because I need validation to feel so.

He makes me feel beloved.
I enjoy that attention because I lack maturity.

He gives me much importance.
I enjoy how it feeds my pride.

He has a consuming effect on me,
Because he is not 'the one' but the other guy.

Moment of Weakness.

Sitting quietly in an unnoticed corner with tears dripping continuously and my heart racing over my will power, I think of the moment that will be if I gave in to this moment of weakness. Why do I call it a weakness when it seems as the right-est thing to do? It is weakness because I know in my mind and somewhere in my heart that I should not be doing it. 

Why should I not choose that part of my heart that encourages me to do the thing that 'seems' like the right thing to do? I cannot cave to that part of my heart as that is the part I created to support my irrational thoughts and talk me into the things that I do not wish to do (in the right mind) but still wish to do.

I want it so bad, I don't think I can go past the compelling feeling of wanting to make a call or send a text. If I go ahead and give in to that moment of weakness, I will for that single moment or two be happy or don't know how I will actually feel. If it was really good for my life, why is there no peace in my heart, why are my cheeks still wet and why am I choking over my own voice? 

If this is real happiness why is it making me so weak?

Love Unconditional

God created the Universe,

The shining stars and the beaming sun,

He let the earth hung on it,

Yet held me close in His heart.

I cannot speak of His love divine,

It is pure, it is radiant and it is undefiled,

To have a Father and Friend like Him,

I did no good or helped no poor,

His Mercy reaches the ends of the Universe,

His grace shoots up till the Milky way.

To think this world is here to stay,

Is akin to the sheep that has no understanding of the slaughter house,

The butcher is waiting with his sharpened knife,

But he looks so pleasant and charming to the face.

Don't fall a prey, 

Your life is most precious.

Jesus hung on the cross and purchased you with His blood,

Don't let the devil deceive you.

He shows you pearls and lures you with vain joy,
His heart is crooked, his ways are twisted.

Is not the God who created you not know what kind of joy you will need?
Try Jesus.
You will never want the world again.
Come to Him now, He is waiting for you. 

Choices.

If you are gifted with a smart phone that does not support connecting to wi-fi, is you having a smart phone making any sense to you? Or if your job is well-paying so much that its more than what you wanted but still your boss is a crack-head making you feel incompetent, is that money still making you happy?

I am that person who'd choose spending lone time with myself than joining a bunch of good friends at the club or who would pass shopping with my husband who in fact wants to get me stuff, and rather sit near the window sill and ponder on what should be the next line in this blog post. As cliche as this may sound, it is true that each day brings with it hope, opportunity and experience. Its completely left to us to embrace it and make it a possibility. 

Doing what you think works for you best is the best way to be doing things.

Life’s a mix, of the good, better and best. There is no ugly, horrid or execrable. I say this because all the so called painful things that life brings us is like the dung that's essential for a plant to germinate and the flowers to bloom. We need the pain as much as the victory; the hardships as much as the glory and the wounds as much as the praise. Keep your worrying brief, just like this post. 

Sin: Behind its sweetness

I remember how it came in colours of purple, scarlet and black,

Beautiful to the naked eye,

In multi-coloured robes it came toward me beaming,

I swayed in its allure and it made me blind to the truth.

My heart kept beating fast,

The temperature within me was rising, 

I started feeling disconnected to my heart and mind,

I almost surrendered.

Step by step, inch by inch, 

The determination, purity and self-will faded,

Sin has a power, it is greater than all of us, 

And I got engulfed.

I vividly remember when I gave into it, 

It was a split second, but seemed really long.

I have now been invaded, before I knew I was enslaved.

The feeling was everything opposite to glitter, shine, radiance and fragrance.

I felt like the dirt in a swine's snort.

Sin is manipulation and deception in a beautiful attire,

I felt being eaten by worms and insects would feel better than the guilt of sin. Guilt! Yes that's where the light of God shines!

This vile body is a self-destructive sheet of iron ready to feed the magnet of sin. Its that natural, effortless and obvious. It seems to me that sin and the humans are made for each other. They click in a jiffy, they get involved in less than a minute and are making-out publically and shamelessly. They both are that spontaneous and meant-to-be.

Once you befriend sin, it embraces you and showers you with its choicest goodies like addiction, bitterness, unfaithfulness, hatred, disrespectfulness and abundance of pride. The funny thing is you have no idea that you have been gifted these qualities. They transcend into your personality and the transition is seamless. 

You comply and accomplish whatever your heart desires. Its as almost you get whatever your heart wants. But wait it won't be long before the candy eyed sinful snake tries to ruin you. As deep as you get into sin, you will be that close to giving up on your life.

There's Only One way to come out of it, Jesus.

His Might is all-dispersing and greater-than-sin. He is the only cure for the epidemic of sin. Not liquor or clubbing or adultery or drugs or partying. Only Jesus. Only His grace and the faith in Him. I cannot begin to describe the supremacy in Jesus' Name. 

Have you tried calling out 'Jesus' when you are in mental or physical pain? Next time, do it. Scream from the bottom of your heart. Say 'Jesus' with a sincere heart and a broken spirit and you will be amazed at His unicorn strength and how He turns your sobbing into laughter. Do it with faith. I urge all my readers to try Jesus. You will never be disappointed. That's a promise.

God bless! 

The Princess and the Marine 2001

This movie is a true beauty.  It was bright to my eyes and pale to my soul. I was feeling so overwhelmed and happy for the couple. When they missed each other, I was ufff.. When they got an opportunity to meet & kiss I was yay for them! I felt really good watching the movie. It is one of the very few movies I really enjoyed. I don't know if you guys have watched this movie before or planning on watching it after you'll read this, but what I gotta say is after all it sucks to know what the future holds.

I was all awww and ahhh throughout the movie and when I saw a happy ending I was all the more thrilled! When the curtains were dropped and just before the names of the cast appeared, there was a message and I was like oh boy, this sucks! You'll may not fully understand what was wrong and I don't want to fully give away the scene. You may want to watch it to decide yourself. Anyway, what inspired me to pen this post is the realisation that the Father above knows it all - in big block letters I want to repeat. HE KNOWS IT ALL. 

We are just a bunch of half-baked humans trying to put things together like we are the anchor of our lives. Huh! God is in charge of every episode in our life and when the season changes, he gives us the reason too in the following season. A happy ending might lead to a gross beginning and that inturn will head to a happy ending. There is always hope. Always and at all times till we breathe our last. I felt really bad to know how they ended up in 5 years after knowing they were inseparable in love having built their relationship on gratitude, respect, mutual desire for one another, so much determination and the willingness to be together.

But when its time, it's time! What I gathered from the People Magazine article is that the Princess had gone astray in the crazy night life of vegas. She threw away a man's endearing love for something that was vain and temporal? I am not judging here, I don't actually know what she went through. But given the circumstances and going by the statement of Johnson especially when he told the press "Deep down inside, she knows that I loved her more than anything in the world. I can say I enjoyed every minute I spent with her." I thought wow! This is love, true and surreal.

When I read what he felt for her I could feel again the strong essence of their love and the sneak-peek of how they would have felt in the fairy tale of love. Oh it was so so worth all the hardships they overcame. That's the beauty of love, there is no single explanation to define the boundaries of love. It is truly divine.

P.S Sorry for clumsily putting together unrefined thoughts, but this is what the movie did to me. Shook me up and left me in awe!

When You Go Through So Much Pain...

In life there is so much pain that we go through. Raw, scarful and hurtful experiences. Incidents and encounters that we would have stepped onto wittingly and unwittingly. They have broken us, torn us apart, made us lose hope, scattered our self esteem and have made us feel void. I remember so many times in my life strolling through such instances. They have been cruel. I vividly remember the bucket full of tears I shed every night as I chug holding on to my stuffed monkey aka tinku and mumbling in agony into the pillow.

I still can feel that hot bloody tears that kept soaring through the night almost like my head would fall out and detach from the face area. It was loneliness, helplessness, guilt, regret, abandonment, disappointment, self pity, and all the emotions that made me feel like a loser and a wuss. Almost always my tears ended with prayers. I thank God for that. I needed someone to listen to even when I felt I don't deserve to be considered. The screams in my heart resounded like the cries from the gates of hell. I used to feel devastated and miserable. The best part of these tears were My Lord was always there to wipe them (Rev 21:4). 

When you empty yourself by being crushed and washed out from within, you gain a strength that's akin to a unicorn, I can say it from personal experience. You are practically ready for any kind of crap that life might offer you. Its a feeling of empowerment, confidence, come-what-may-let's-do-this attitude. You must see me the next morning after an elongated night of continuous crying, I may not look my best but I'd certainly feel better. I love that and I know it started with the tears. So I love my tears too. No wonder they rightly put it 'No pain, no gain!'