Nothingness & Morose.

As against the promoted opinion that nothingness is a form of pleasure, I'd like to assertively disagree. Nothingness is nothing less than a nada, nix, nil and barreness. I have recently stopped working, I'd like to say that am on sabbatical as this was my much needed break. I've pretty much worked all my life. You know what they say.. You don't know what its worth, until you lose it.. Eh, the funny thing is, it works the opposite way for me. I know how much time is important, because I have it in abundance.

My days are spent before the TV. I practically do everything before the TV but for pooping and peeing. I am losing my mind being in a state of nothingness. I never really enjoyed it, I am not put into it, I chose this and now I am hurting myself, mentally and physically by not doing justice to the time I have. There is so much I can do with this gift of time, but what I choose to do is wait out before the TV till the time I cannot take it any more and begin to rant.. just like this.

You know its very hard to explain my state of mind. Its like the picture above - I am screaming from within. There is confusion, distress, worry, disgust and yet clearly and most certainly I know what is wrong rather what is missing - Motivation. Life has never been unfair to me, I just stopped trusting it. Well, not anymore.

Why am I a fool?

I waited, I expected,

I returned empty handed.

And still I waited and expected.

I cried, I wept,

I couldn't sleep at night.

I called, I texted and was ignored,

Yet I called, texted and wept the entire night.

I trusted, I was betrayed.

I loved and was heart broken,

I surrendered and was exploited

And yet again I believed.

Now you know the answer to my title.

Sin: Behind its sweetness

I remember how it came in colours of purple, scarlet and black,

Beautiful to the naked eye,

In multi-coloured robes it came toward me beaming,

I swayed in its allure and it made me blind to the truth.

My heart kept beating fast,

The temperature within me was rising, 

I started feeling disconnected to my heart and mind,

I almost surrendered.

Step by step, inch by inch, 

The determination, purity and self-will faded,

Sin has a power, it is greater than all of us, 

And I got engulfed.

I vividly remember when I gave into it, 

It was a split second, but seemed really long.

I have now been invaded, before I knew I was enslaved.

The feeling was everything opposite to glitter, shine, radiance and fragrance.

I felt like the dirt in a swine's snort.

Sin is manipulation and deception in a beautiful attire,

I felt being eaten by worms and insects would feel better than the guilt of sin. Guilt! Yes that's where the light of God shines!

This vile body is a self-destructive sheet of iron ready to feed the magnet of sin. Its that natural, effortless and obvious. It seems to me that sin and the humans are made for each other. They click in a jiffy, they get involved in less than a minute and are making-out publically and shamelessly. They both are that spontaneous and meant-to-be.

Once you befriend sin, it embraces you and showers you with its choicest goodies like addiction, bitterness, unfaithfulness, hatred, disrespectfulness and abundance of pride. The funny thing is you have no idea that you have been gifted these qualities. They transcend into your personality and the transition is seamless. 

You comply and accomplish whatever your heart desires. Its as almost you get whatever your heart wants. But wait it won't be long before the candy eyed sinful snake tries to ruin you. As deep as you get into sin, you will be that close to giving up on your life.

There's Only One way to come out of it, Jesus.

His Might is all-dispersing and greater-than-sin. He is the only cure for the epidemic of sin. Not liquor or clubbing or adultery or drugs or partying. Only Jesus. Only His grace and the faith in Him. I cannot begin to describe the supremacy in Jesus' Name. 

Have you tried calling out 'Jesus' when you are in mental or physical pain? Next time, do it. Scream from the bottom of your heart. Say 'Jesus' with a sincere heart and a broken spirit and you will be amazed at His unicorn strength and how He turns your sobbing into laughter. Do it with faith. I urge all my readers to try Jesus. You will never be disappointed. That's a promise.

God bless! 

Getting Lost Amid Trees

Fancy huh? Yeah I like the idea of it too. My closest experience being around full grown dense trees was my walk in IIT-Madras for a dance event. The University campus is a lush foliage. Its a miniature world in itself. I have been there only once and I know very little about what else the place holds. Its a scenic beauty I must say. Walking under huge masculine trees is a bliss in itself. Their branches spread out like muscular shoulders and you feel safe and loved under them.

It is hard to explain how I feel when I see the beautiful majestic and vast expanse of the trees, I feel they talk to me when I continuously look at it. I feel they're listening when I speak my heart. The beautiful sun rays between the ferns and fronds against the beaming radiant sky is worth a million bucks. That's my favorite view of the trees. The window in my room opens up to this comeliness, and I love how a lone ray of sun escapes into my room, lighting up my heart and bringing a natural smile on my face.

When I got pensive about how nature introduces a pleasantness in our life despite how we treat it, it syphoned my amazement to the Master of it all, the Creator God. Everything that the Lord has made is perfect. From the sun, moon, stars, trees, seas, wind, hills, valleys.. e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. including man. How we ruin it is a wonder! Anyway, am glad that the trees are always going to stand tall, calm and inspiring to everyone that come to it despite their state of mind and I personally will always look upto it!

The Princess and the Marine 2001

This movie is a true beauty.  It was bright to my eyes and pale to my soul. I was feeling so overwhelmed and happy for the couple. When they missed each other, I was ufff.. When they got an opportunity to meet & kiss I was yay for them! I felt really good watching the movie. It is one of the very few movies I really enjoyed. I don't know if you guys have watched this movie before or planning on watching it after you'll read this, but what I gotta say is after all it sucks to know what the future holds.

I was all awww and ahhh throughout the movie and when I saw a happy ending I was all the more thrilled! When the curtains were dropped and just before the names of the cast appeared, there was a message and I was like oh boy, this sucks! You'll may not fully understand what was wrong and I don't want to fully give away the scene. You may want to watch it to decide yourself. Anyway, what inspired me to pen this post is the realisation that the Father above knows it all - in big block letters I want to repeat. HE KNOWS IT ALL. 

We are just a bunch of half-baked humans trying to put things together like we are the anchor of our lives. Huh! God is in charge of every episode in our life and when the season changes, he gives us the reason too in the following season. A happy ending might lead to a gross beginning and that inturn will head to a happy ending. There is always hope. Always and at all times till we breathe our last. I felt really bad to know how they ended up in 5 years after knowing they were inseparable in love having built their relationship on gratitude, respect, mutual desire for one another, so much determination and the willingness to be together.

But when its time, it's time! What I gathered from the People Magazine article is that the Princess had gone astray in the crazy night life of vegas. She threw away a man's endearing love for something that was vain and temporal? I am not judging here, I don't actually know what she went through. But given the circumstances and going by the statement of Johnson especially when he told the press "Deep down inside, she knows that I loved her more than anything in the world. I can say I enjoyed every minute I spent with her." I thought wow! This is love, true and surreal.

When I read what he felt for her I could feel again the strong essence of their love and the sneak-peek of how they would have felt in the fairy tale of love. Oh it was so so worth all the hardships they overcame. That's the beauty of love, there is no single explanation to define the boundaries of love. It is truly divine.

P.S Sorry for clumsily putting together unrefined thoughts, but this is what the movie did to me. Shook me up and left me in awe!

When You Go Through So Much Pain...

In life there is so much pain that we go through. Raw, scarful and hurtful experiences. Incidents and encounters that we would have stepped onto wittingly and unwittingly. They have broken us, torn us apart, made us lose hope, scattered our self esteem and have made us feel void. I remember so many times in my life strolling through such instances. They have been cruel. I vividly remember the bucket full of tears I shed every night as I chug holding on to my stuffed monkey aka tinku and mumbling in agony into the pillow.

I still can feel that hot bloody tears that kept soaring through the night almost like my head would fall out and detach from the face area. It was loneliness, helplessness, guilt, regret, abandonment, disappointment, self pity, and all the emotions that made me feel like a loser and a wuss. Almost always my tears ended with prayers. I thank God for that. I needed someone to listen to even when I felt I don't deserve to be considered. The screams in my heart resounded like the cries from the gates of hell. I used to feel devastated and miserable. The best part of these tears were My Lord was always there to wipe them (Rev 21:4). 

When you empty yourself by being crushed and washed out from within, you gain a strength that's akin to a unicorn, I can say it from personal experience. You are practically ready for any kind of crap that life might offer you. Its a feeling of empowerment, confidence, come-what-may-let's-do-this attitude. You must see me the next morning after an elongated night of continuous crying, I may not look my best but I'd certainly feel better. I love that and I know it started with the tears. So I love my tears too. No wonder they rightly put it 'No pain, no gain!' 

Impromptu and the Real You

Sometimes I really plan what I need to say, where I need to sit, what I need to wear and when I got to go. Those times have been near perfect. You know how preparation pays of right.. But I want to highlight those times where an outright idiocy (according to me) turns out extremely pleasant and admirable creating a cheery atmosphere for everyone involved.

That's spontaneity.. and such things don't happen accidentally, neither are they circumstantial or good timing. I believe it's the reflection of the person and the zestfulness in their spirit. You cannot build an empire overnight they say, similarly you cannot become a "personality" in a day. Yeah, a person who has a goodwill and reputation backing him.

"I feel if there's compassion in your eyes, charity in your hands, truth in your tongue, kindness in your lips and love in your heart, you have a great personality." 

Its not easy to win hearts these days, I mean everyone is aiming to be successful in one way or the other. Mediocrity seems to be evading. You are an outcome of the thoughts in your mind, purity in your heart, kindness in your words and the charity in your hands. People who are genuine may not outshine in today's world but they sure do carry a light in and around them. They are the real people and they are worth it.