The other guy.

He makes me smile.
He makes me dream.

He runs in my mind.
He races my heart.

He excites my senses.
He seduces my hormones.

He lets me be me.
He lets me speak my mind.

He undresses me.
My spirit, soul and body.

He gives me hope, but he won't be around.
He says he loves me, but it is not without reason.

He makes me feel special,
Because I need validation to feel so.

He makes me feel beloved.
I enjoy that attention because I lack maturity.

He gives me much importance.
I enjoy how it feeds my pride.

He has a consuming effect on me,
Because he is not 'the one' but the other guy.

Go figure!

Every girl believes she is beautiful. How much weightage she assigns to this truth is relative, but in her soul, every girl thinks she looks beautiful (at least in some angles). I am no exception. Growing up, I did not worry much about my looks. My idea of good looking was neat looking and presentable, nothing more. Then came adolescence, that didn't change me either. I was mostly by myself and thankfully did not have a rebellious attitude. Late teens and early 20s - not much of a change, hadn't used a kohl pencil (eye liner) or a foundation on face up until then. Could say was the biggest make-up virgin in grad school.

Went to Bangalore for my post-grad. Met a bunch of good people and a lot of wannabes. Discovered myself, not necessarily my strengths, but discovered myself for who I was. I knew what I was made of, what I was inclined to, what I abhorred, what I fancied and that was a great learning. Worked for a couple of years there and moved back to Chennai, home of my heart. You know how you get your way around some things effortlessly? Like I didn't really have to work or strive for few comforts. It just happened to me every time, like I was entitled to it and the cosmic powers worked in unison to have that thing delivered to me. But with age, I got more wise and I think I jinxed it or real life happened.

I became intrigued observing and moving with people who did certain things in a certain fashion and always found good results. There was a plan, there was a pattern. They had a routine, they were conscious of everything they would think, say, do or not do. I figured the character mix of people who are beautiful and successful are hardworking, positive, genuine, kind hearted, friendly, cool-headed, empathetic, perseverant and they invariably had a high self-esteem. This list may not be exclusive but surely this is the combination. Every person's path of discovery of himself is different, but when the desire burns bright, the light is shone on the path. That is a certainty.

2015 as I know it.

What I think I know is misconstrued with what I wish I knew. On the evening of Christmas (not the same as Christmas eve) I am recalling the year that I had. I did not visit a new place or country this year. I pretty much stayed in the city. Don't remember having an adrenaline rush of any sort (well I went on a shipwreck ride at the VGP Universal Kingdom amusement park if its worth mentioning), pretty much have the same old annoying habits but in a much polished fashion *winky face*.

Though it may appear that my experiences are substantial to be accounted as "experiences", I sure have grown a lot as a person. I certainly appreciate the life that I have been blessed with. I now more than ever believe the coming of the Lord is closer than I thought. I have come to understand, that harboring anger or bitterness destroys you than the person you think it will affect. Actually I don't think it affects the other person at all. This year made me realize I am actually aging (no, I don't have any visible wrinkles ya'll and my skin has never been this radiant, thank you God! :D) but I have priorities that are controlled by the ticking of the clock (and no, I am not talking about getting knocked up.. oh well, that's there too *shmurr*).

I always knew the importance of friendship and maintaining relationships in my life.Thanks to my not-so-ceremonious school days. This year was however a wake-up call. We will encounter people in our lives at all stages and at unexpected junctures. It was surprising that people and relationships we make at any point in our life has a possibility of extending to a lifetime and that is HUGE! Well no one made it to that list, this year, but someone could have... almost and that to me is scary. Anyhoo, so I learnt if we're not careful enough we can make relationships for a lifetime and that's necessarily not ideal - at least for me.

Overall I had a wonderful year, read half a dozen books, became a more peaceful person, began to value myself better, shed no extra weight, still feeling fabulous as ever. Hoping everyone learnt something this year to make themselves better and are geared for a fantabulous 2016. Cheers!

Vaishnavi Kasthuri Rangan.

My friend, my dear friend.
My shining angel, my beautiful baby.
I have hardly seen your face.
But you have a face in my heart.
The face of a survivor, a fighter and a victor.

Friendship is a celebration of two hearts. Yours and mine.
I remember the time I sat next to you in a math class.
You looked so radiant, your brilliance shone through.
I remember the inline trebles in your voice when you talk, the sound of intelligence.
I raved in your companionship, in the acknowledgement of knowing someone so beautiful, elegant, bold and strong.

Every person has a path.
Yours was much different than most people I know.
That's why you were most beautiful than most people I knew.

Today I saw you,
Surrendered in a box.
I cannot speak, my heart is in my throat.
I saw the frailtiness of humans and the honour of a race won.

People may say you succumbed to your sickness. I think you surpassed it.
You went to the place you deserve.
You deserve peace my baby.
Rest from all pain and suffering.
Rest from all the medicines and tests.
Rest from all the heartaches and breakdowns.

You are bigger than what took you.

You are an angel. You have given to me what most people will not find in their lifetime. You have taught me what is love, courage, strength and modesty. You were unstoppable. There is nothing stopping you even now. Walk in the garden of God, make the celestial world bright with your smile and sparkle. You are a beautiful soul my baby, my miracle child. I loved you so much, perhaps I never showed and perhaps you'll never know. God speed Vysh. xoxo.

Moments.

When I recall the happy times in my life, I am immediately reminded of a particular moment in every situation. Its beautiful how our feelings have a breakthrough. I feel life should be full of those moments. You know that moment when you feel differently because of new knowledge, realization, touch or concern of a dear one? Why aren't we able to experience these moments often? I guess that's how God intended it. Is it that we are allowed a finite number of moments in this finite life? The marvel to a moment is in the unpredictability of it. Right?

Closure.

It was the first week and I looked my personal best. In my profession, it doesn't help to be passive, as marketers, we need to be ahead of our game to stay relevant in the game. I am chirpy, straight-forward and a no-nonsense person, so my personality naturally fit my calibre. I was sprinting around getting work done with unfaltering attention from the very first day. It might look too ambitious for a person who just joined, but not for me. I did not reckon anyone eyeballing me for I could care less. Sigh, I was mistaken!

Trouble.

Couple of days passed and I was all the more absorbed with work. The organisation did not encourage socialising and I sensed the need for it but didn't think it would lead to this. Cue for trouble, there was this guy. Lets call him dickson [makes a lot of sense actually]. I am not going to detail on what kind of a person he was, how he made me feel, what we shared, and all of that, because it was all very very good [insert excerpts from Nicholas Sparks or Cecilia Ahern's books]. 

What we had was so wrong on so many levels, but it felt complete, complementing and comforting to our lives, so the good or the bad was overlooked and mushy emotions overtook seasoned virtues.

Truth.

I am not going to rampage his character or ridicule his cowardliness. I still believe he is a nice guy. As Michelle Monaghan says in the movie Made of Honor, 'you are perfect, but not for me'. [I just gave that dickhead too much credit, whatdahell, he's doomed anyway]. No really, he was nice but not good enough for me. I stand by how good of a person he was. But not to me. Nope. Assassinating someone's character is a reflection of my character, and I am not that character. He hurt me, real deep. But I still think he was a nice person. [Nice, that's the only word I can use without cringing]. My expectations and order of life differed from his. Simply put, I had higher standards. I own up when I screw up, I don't give up and disappear. 

As compelling and difficult it is to remain unaffected by his folly, giving him another chance would mean choosing docile feelings over personal respect and that I will never do.

Treason.

If he really cared like he made me believe, he would not have chickened out. If he felt that I mattered and would never leave me like he said, he would have tried to reconnect. I am young enough to still wear my heart on my sleeve but old enough to know who is worth it. Life is not a Boyzone song to just use words and stay put. You have to stand up when situations arise and prove to people who matter that they really matter. Else you will just be a well known stranger and that's who you will always be. 

Because I know I am not losing a good person, to me losing him is not a loss. Peace.

Lost love.

He fought with my classmate so he can be my partner in terrace shuttle. He smiled at me when he won him over. We were 7.

When we came near the car park, he eyeballed me to make my dress right as my petticoat strap was seen. He smiled at me when I pushed it in. We were 15.

He surprised me by standing outside my gym with an umbrella on a rainy day, he smiled at me when he saw how special I felt. We were 18.

He accompanied me on a long journey for my personal work. He didn't want me going alone. He asked me to rest my head on his shoulder when returning home in the train. He smiled at me when I shyed away. We were 21.

After many fights and heartbreaks, I asked him if we can start afresh. He said he is too hurt to invest in me again. I smiled at him because I knew we were coming to an end and I needed to protect myself. We were 23.

I accidently looked behind and he was there. It's on a Friday, please come, I said. But I didn't write him a card. He smiled at me and I felt nothing. We were 25.

I stalk him on social media sometimes. I listen to the song he composed and played for me. I recall all the priceless moments of joy we shared. He still smiles but not at me. We are 27.