Day 18 - Life after a decade

I had 10 odd posts waiting to be published in my drafts. They have been lying there for many years, some more than a decade. I went about reading them and I could see the girl I was back then. So much spunk, not much charisma. I chuckled. What a hoot. Blatant and unapologetic. Full of opinions, hot headed yet curtailed by wisdom and constrained by common sense. 

It was refreshing to know myself through my own words. Strange in a way because you don't think you needed to refresh your memory by going through your old writing and and recognising who you were. Life hits you with a million bricks that sometimes you don't identify your own voice. It's bittersweet and in my case I am enchanted with my life story.

Young life is wild and I was no exception. You take on life like a painter ready with their brush looking at the canvas. The idea is clear, the colours are decided and the painting needs to happen. You don't mind the shortcuts or delays because you are fueled by desire and there is no replacement to that. It burns, you are consumed by that passion. It's an all time high. It's messy and uncoordinated. Full of flaws and without remorse.

Adulthood is not the same. Desire takes a back seat and for good reason. You can't run on carbs all your life. You get perspective, you recognise it's the discipline and choices that will help you in the long haul. Emotions are just distractions. You learn to discard any feeling calling it unnecessary or telling yourself such is life. 

But how can a person in a mere 10 years do a complete 180 and change themselves. This is checkmate from God and it's hilarious. All of us become gods of our own life when we make things happen for ourselves. When we crack a tough exam or get into a particular payscale or buy a car/house. We think we are in control. But after living life as much as I have, I can say with certainty that we are not build for control. 

We are built for experiences and honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way. Why chase an ignorant lie when you can surrender to a painful truth. Life takes you on and transforms you, but when we ask God to walk with us, He simply doesn't let us get destroyed while going through the wringer but gets us out in one piece to live and fight another day. So choose God. 

Day 17 - Writing challenge; Time, space, courage?

Exactly 1 month since I last published.

Where is the time going?

The world we live in has unlocked many dimensions, new rules, mottos and hashtags.

It feels hard to belong sometimes, but where do we go?

Its not like we can teleport to another planet.

In this lifetime, even if we don't do a lot,

I wish for everyone to know in their heart 

That they did the very best they can.

Life is complex.

Breathing takes courage.

Not even oxygen is free when you're fighting for your life.

But time, 

Oh, time is the greatest mystery.

Can you believe we are in the age we are in right now?

Our childhoods seem like a gazillion years ago, but it was just 20-30 years ago.

Makes us wonder, what to hold onto. 

Will everything pass.

If everything will pass, should we bother as much

If we don't, how to feel.

Isn't life about feeling

And feeling equals living?

Not always. Not when you know what you want

In this lifetime.

Have you taken the time to know yourself?

There's little time only left darling

What's more important.

What will matter.

Ask these questions to yourself

Answer them truthfully.

Pursue them, 

Passionately, at any cost

Hashtag WhateverItTakes

Is there a universal answer to this

The generic answer would be 

Leave the world better than you found it.

Moral answer would be

Live a good life

But an honest answer will be

Something only you can answer

I think

Its not about the life lived.

Its about the person you were in the time that you got to live.

Make it count.

Make it count.

Make it count.

Tomorrow is not promised.

Present can be messy, but its so so worth it.

You got it boo.

Day 16 - Writing challenge; no goals, no problem

"Push through the pain" is total bull.

Except during childbirth, this phrase makes absolutely no sense. 

But we hear it often and even use it ourselves, as a way of motivating ourselves.

More bull.

People are not built to keep taking it. 

We are not mothers. 

We are humans.

If you are feeling weak, stressed or confused - take that break.

Sit idly. Postpone that work. Lie down.

Do anything except pushing through.

You have to stop the Q-tip when there's resistance - Chandler Bing

Limitations are God's boundary to man's greed.

We are not supposed to be suspended between heaven and earth.

We are terrestrial. Stay grounded.

That makes us mediocre, you think.

According to whom? - Getsy Jenita

You first set the standard for your life, then you dream.

I see people chasing the dream without callback.

That is a dangerous way to live.

Its exciting definitely, indulge even.

But don't make that your life.

6000 years since the world was put together for humans.

All's been done. 

There is nothing new under the sun - Song of Solomon

Don't go cray-cray; live intentionally, mindfully, watchfully, fearfully even.

Slow steps. Slow praise. Slow pace. 

Slow the eff down.

No need to push through.

If anything, rein in.

Day 15 - Writing Challenge; unlike any man you ever knew

There was once a rich man who had two sons. The elder one was obedient, enduring and kind. Typical first-child syndrome. The youngest was carefree, reckless and without ambition. The wealthy father loved his sons greatly. He did not withhold any good thing from them.

The younger son being taken in his youthful frolic spent his days and night with his friends. Foolish company one might add as every time his friends were together, there was debauchery, drugs and poverty of the mind. His father kept a watchful eye on him, however the demands of juvenile escapades were far too discreet and he escaped the admonition of the good man of the house.

Days turned to months, and as roots get stronger in the mire, the boy could not bring himself out of this demonic hole. Friends abandoned him as money ran dry. With much shame he resolved to find his own employment and not return to his home of birth. But the truth is he had no skill or talent. He went starving for most days without even a meal or drink. Ended up laying in a pig sty with no room to stay. He ate the swine's feed and drank muddied water.

Every night he wailed bitterly, heart-broke thinking of the fortress he grew up in. The many servants who were there to assist at a snap of a finger. Copious amounts of food and drink that was available at all times of the day. Above all he was the favourite to his father. He thought to himself, even if I were a servant at my father's palace, I would have a better life that this.

One morning he decided to leave this hell hole and walked toward home. His heart beating out of his chest, agonized, guilt-ridden, full of shame yet with a glimmer of hope because he knew the heart of his father.

His father saw him miles away, as though anticipating his return every minute of every day. Even though he looked unrecognizable, dirty and reeking. It did not deter his steps as he ran towards his son for an embrace. 

Whatever the son did, it did not matter.

However far he had gone, it did not matter.

What lengths his iniquities were, it did not matter.

That lost son is you and me. Whatever we have done, it does not matter to our Father in Heaven. We can return to him at any time. You cannot find such a love except with this man who volunteered to give His life for you in return for your love.

Day 14 - Writing challenge; Sheela & Rajendran

Sheela Rajendran is obsessed with laces. From handkerchief frills, curtains, dresses and even tea towels, her love for laces was far known. A beautiful woman. Kind, tender, sheepish-looking smile but genuine nonetheless. Big eyes but not Indian looking, rather middle east. Overweight but not obese. Wheat-ish and pale at the same time. A school teacher for middle-school. Soft to touch, snuggly and amiable. 

Her natural love for children was amplified in her tenderness and teaching prowess. A woman is most fulfilled in the design she was made, whether she believes it or not. And such woman do glow like a picture of devotion and contentment.

A woman's heart however is as deep as an ocean. The secrets she hold, her own people cannot fathom.

Mr. Rajendran was of noble birth and erudite. His gentlemanly and tall stature added to his credit. He was a shy man. They say that in his capacity as secretary to the minister of education, he has helped many underprivileged students overseeing the lack of requirements they must fulfill. He believed in duty, integrity and dignity for all. He inherited this job because of his father's passing and was working for the government in the ministry of education wing.

The story of Sheela and Rajendran is one of love, not of romance for they both are siblings. 

Day 13 - Writing challenge; two girls and a guy at crossroads

The year was 2002. Sonali was going to be 15 in a couple of months. Her father lived in Rajasthan for work. He was a tradesman. Her parents were somewhat estranged. It was not common knowledge but there was a man who visited Sonali mother often. 

So it was speculated. Nothing discussed. Scandalous in the eyes of their neighbors.

The unlabeled and unorthodox relationship she shared with her mother and 'uncle' was one she only truly knew. Her mother also sent her away to study in a convent up in the hills for all her school years. Her mother, being a mother did what she had to do to protect herself and her child. But the 11th std school year was over and Sonali had to come home for the holidays.

Around that time Kamini's family came to live in the same apartment. Her parents were in the textile business. Well-off, sophisticated and too busy to spend time with their children. In some way Kamini and Sonali were new to this place. Their souls perhaps spoke and made them meet each other. 

In the 90s, teenage girls were tired adults in a child's body. Yet they had their innocence. They celebrated birthdays together, went roadside shopping together, rode rented bicycles together and started growing closer. However they never spoke openly about what was going on in their lives. Their feelings, fears, shame, secrets.

One day something happened. Sonali had gone to collect her marksheets from school and when returning in the train along with her classmates, she met a guy. Probably in his late teens or early twenties. They sat across each other two boxes away in the same coach. Their eyes had met once accidently, and both were seeking occasion to have their eyes meet again intentionally but accidently.

Infatuation, desire, passion, adoration, obsession they all work together when you hit puberty. How you act when those moments of fleeting highs find you is backed by what you saw, experienced and witnessed in your childhood. Being the fearless girl she is, Sonali signaled Lucky to meet her at the end of the coach. They chatted, exchanged landline numbers with instructions on when to call, how many rings and so.

Sonali shared her wild adventure with Kamini who listened open mouthed and wide eyed. Suddenly the phone rang twice and stopped. Both laughed boisterously and Sonali had a naughty idea. Kamini decided to play imposter with Lucky. She spoke in a sweet, exaggerated, over-the-top voice in giggly chuckles as teenagers do. The girls laughed again bringing the roof down after hanging up. 

Sonali found this game of fooling Lucky more amusing and enjoyable that actually talking to him. Kamini on the other hand, having never had any opportunity or courage to meet or talk to a guy, felt like the apple had fallen on her lap. She thought of him day and night, waited for their calls, debated within herself whether to reveal her identity or maintain herself as Sonali.

Lucky liked the way Sonali looked. That's why he gave her his number. If I tell him the truth, will he feel deceived. But it was me all along. My voice, my jokes, my heart and my love.

She was too involved and too invested to let anything ruin what she had.

The new school year was about to begin.

Sonali had to leave.

Lucky wanted to meet.

Kamini was cornered.

What do you think happened next? 

Day 12 - Writing challenge; welcome to my Ted talk

Something happened in the past two days. Nothing to be alarmed, but it can be the beginning of something good for me. Let me share more when I am in a better headspace. 

For the longest time, I never thought there was an epidemic of loneliness though I read about it often  and it was a topic of discussion with my friends too. In fact I thought much worse. If you're lonely, either you have too much in your head and distancing yourself unknowingly from the people that care for you or you're just guilty or heartbroken about something, and you don't want to deal with people.

In both cases, it's your fault. 

To put it compassionately, you have the power to change it. 

But its not as easy as it sounds. The people in our world today say and feel they need people, but don't behave like it. 

It's the age old problem,

Want to lose weight, but won't stop eating.

Want to score high, but won't give up on distractions

Want to make friends, but won't speak to strangers

Even this has many complications. You can't stop eating, because you're an emotional eater. You're eating your feelings. You can't give up distractions, because you have trained yourself for receiving dopamine hits every 2 minutes. You can't exist without your phone. You can't walk up to strangers, because people can be dangerous and you are complicated to be heard and understood. Its too much work.

What then is the solution?

Do it anyway. Get messy. Be misunderstood. Have people look down upon you. What's the big deal?

Your life. Your way.

Hello main character energy!

Life is complicated as is, we don't have to make things any worse. Just be unashamed of what you feel and think. Do it. Take that risk. Be miserable, you will eventually feel better.

From personal experience, it has been the most painful path doing the things I didn't want to do, but it's twice as rewarding. You literally become a new person. 

Yes, you will look and feel different.

I encourage you to get out of whatever glumness and deadness you have inside of you.

The fact that we are given a new day is proof God and Life is not done with us yet. Don't limit yourself of whatever experiences designed for you. Do something wild. Do something weird. Do something silly. Do something new.

Your later self will be proud of you.

Last week I wrote my first two lines for the book I planned to write. No idea what the theme is going to be or what genre, but starting somewhere. Today I learned about ICP but in writing. ICP in marketing is Ideal Customer Profile. Whenever I write any marketing/brand message, I write for the ICP and not a general audience. So today while I was researching, I learned that I too should write for one person who will read my book. There is an exercise as to figuring out who that ICP will be, which I will be doing soon. Exciting times.

Any news from you guys? any masala.. fresh goss? 

Lemme know :P

Day -11 Writing challenge; sweet bobby, catfishing & crime

As much as I enjoy a good mystery genre in books and sometimes in a film, I have not been too keen to watch crime documentaries. But today, I let myself pick something in random and had a disturbing few hours. 

I too was catfished once; its funny now because the time it happened even the word catfish wasn't coined. For better context you will have to google 'sweet bobby' to decipher the rest of the post. It was riveting. The big eye-opener was, I realized I understand psycho. 

At the end when Kirat discovered that her very cousin Simran was the person behind the screen, I too was dumbfounded. How can a 17 year school girl go to such lengths to violate and manipulate her sister? That too she kept up this charade for 9 years potentially ruining the life of Kirat in her prime years. It was appalling to recognize the capacity for viciousness taking shape in such a young person.

Being the inquisitive person that I am, I didn't just watch the documentary, I researched where are they now? What are they doing - you know I had to feed by curiosity. After going through many investigative reports, I read something which further piqued my angst. In a letter which Simran wrote Kirat which was undisclosed for legal reasons but paraphrased, she believed that we were both in a dark place and living in this kind of fantasy world that she created was bringing both of us some kind of happiness and joy.

Simran justified her nuttiness and actually believed that she was helping Kirat by creating a fantasy in which she was a good person. This part blew my mind. 

Every crime is justifiable when you see it from their point of view. So who is at fault and who defines where the line should be drawn? If you say government or personal ethics or religious values, then what are the consequences and reward for those who flout and those who abide by it?

What's your endgame?

Day-10 Writing Challenge; corporate, kardashian and solitude

I spent the whole day working on one deck. This will be the 2025 marketing plan for the company I am employed with. I researched extensively and drafted different versions in the past weeks before I made the final compilation today.  So much has gone into this blueprint.

When you're a corporate professional for 16 years, your role keeps evolving and whether you're ready or not, you have to play your part. I struggle with managing teams. This has been my reality from the very beginning of my career. When I was 24, I got promoted as an Assistant Marketing Director in a pharma company. That was my first time managing a team. I hated being responsible for others' productivity and results.

Of course at that time I looked at management roles as a burden and taking away the opportunity for my growth. But now as I am priming for leadership, I understand it's a privilege, responsibility and an honour to spearhead a team, mentor and guide your mates.

In the early years, rather than trying to work through it and find a way to acquire people management skills, I took the opposite route and became an independent contributor. For the years that came after that in my 20s I mostly took collaborative roles where I didn't have to mentor anyone but were peers with all of us in the same level.

I work extremely well by myself, but my deliverables cannot be my own at this stage in my career. It's the team effort and I am just a catalyst. 

This attitude had also spilled over into my social life. I was listening to Khloe Kardashian today on Jay Shetty's On Purpose podcast. She said as much as I enjoy my solitude, it doesn't mean that's the right way to live. I have to consciously create social opportunities to meet people. Even for me, I do things only if it has to be done, not because I want to do them. When it comes to catching up with friends or family, as much as I show excitement while I make the plans, I am at 50% when I execute it.

With more life experience I am also learning that not all the things I do need to be heartfelt.

Wish that cousin a happy anniversary even if you haven't spoken to them the entire year. Say hello to the neighbour even though he hates your guts. Continue to be kind to your tenant even though they don't lock the gate and allow the strays to enter your porch and pee on your doormat. These are simple things I can do to make myself societal and not hate people for their insensitivity or lack of camaraderie.

I was very big on doing everything with intent, purpose, value and meaning. Ab kuch nahi. Mann hai tho karungi. Nei tho don't care and DND.

Day 9 - Writing Challenge; Welp! I helped my students cheat

OK, this is not that serious.

Hear me out before you judge.

The purpose of an exam is to evaluate how much has been learned. What if the child has not prepared at all? They are bound to fail, yes? If we help them cheat, they score well - I know you're thinking I have gone full psycho by now, but hold that thought.

What about the ones who studied and scored well without having to cheat? We are failing them, no? There will be a disparity with the students knowledge but the grades will be the same? And what happens when they enter higher education or workforce without knowing anything? Gasp!

Example corona batch. Example quota students. Example donation kids. Example nepo kids.

Well well well.

Life doesn't happen in the black and white. It happens in the grey. Its messy, ugly, chaotic and unfair. The job of teachers, leaders and reformers is to create fair and equal opportunities but also to prepare the child for the real world.

My crime -  I gave away the questions before the exam to all my students. 

Five weeks ago, I questioned one girl in my class why she did not prepare for the revision test despite me chasing her everyday and sending her reminders and what not. She looked at me fighting tears but she was enraged. Female rage is real. She spoke softly but she was screaming on the inside.

She hated that I thought her life is all about just going to college and studying for the course I was teaching. In reality, she was battling an alcoholic father, a bone tired mother who was a house help, siblings who needed help with getting ready to school, cooking for them, upkeep of the house and her own mental health which was in the gutter.

She is 18. There were literally 3 people helping me get ready to school when I grew up. I remember it vividly. Life is not the same for everyone. I held back and listened to her patiently. She spoke for 30-40 minutes till she had nothing more to say. I told her exams should be the last of her worry. Exams are for evaluation but learning is for life. Just remember it is important, and make time for it whenever you can. You are already doing more than many.

And this path you are going through right now is also a learning and training which in the journey of life, will be rewarding. No pain is wasted. Besides don't get fixated on the score. Its just a number. In the long haul it will be insignificant. But don't ever think learning, or studying is a chore or an inconvenience. Education will change your life. 

I decided to help her now because it was still a term test and being a teacher especially in Indian culture where teachers are next to parents, I had to do something. My responsibility is also for the child's emotional and mental well being, not just for explaining the syllabus.

Btw, do I feel guilty about it? meh.

Day 8 - Writing challenge; millennials, matriarchy and musings

Woke up thinking of a line Prashasti Singh said in a podcast. 

Millennial women are in the cusp of transformation where we are abandoning traditional roles to become independent in every way possible. But we tend to forget we did have the privilege of being directed and guided which we have taken lightly. 

As much as we were sickened that parents and society continued to subdue women telling us how we are supposed to speak, sit or behave, what to wear, how to live, I realize its much worse for the men. They have been raised without any guidance and only forced expectations to provide, be brave, to work hard, not cry or express emotions.

Men were not asked for their consent either. 

Both genders are victims. But women are breaking the shackles much faster and with much conviction, making strides in their careers becoming successful (without paying for it with their dreams or being co-dependent) all while making their own way in the world. The men on the other hand are still riding the wave their fathers did; they are unhappy and are still in the figuring out stage. They say they need women, but not the way women of today want to be needed. So there is no supply to our demand.

Are we getting into a matriarchy then? God forbid. 

Whenever these thoughts of equality, modernity, femininity and feminism surfaces, I hit a roadblock. Its because my value system is built on the teachings of the Bible - Simply put, what God says, whatever God says and only what God says. The world does not follow the Word of God. I know God and His heart and I understand the ways of the world too. This abundance of knowledge and understanding stirs my heart and keep me musing.

to be continued...

Day 7 - Writing challenge; War - Its happening or is it?

We are at war.

This is the reality. But the reality is not real for me yet.

India is my country

I live in Chennai 12000 kms away from the country's capital where neither I hear the missiles shooting up like seen in Amritsar or drone attacks intervened as witnessed in Jaisalmer or the night sky changing into a lightning as seen in Pathankot or entire city being blacked out like in Delhi or sirens and mock drills in Lucknow or  evacuations in Kashmir or artillery shelling in Bikaner or Jammu.

In my conversations with family or neighbors, we don't speak of the toil this war is having on our individual lives. We think of it, yes. We pray it deescalates. We hope it doesn't bring much harm. There is an air of anxiety and panic, but its still a smoke. What should we as fellow Indians feel?

There is no manual or masterclass on this. Its a confusing time, there are lots of thoughts but much shouldn't be said. Solidarity and brotherhood is what is required.

When I finally admitted my parents for Covid in 2021 after circling 3 hours without any hospital taking them, I thought the hard part was over. Next morning the doctor calls me and says the time for treatment is already over. You should have brought them 10 days ago. Please prepare yourselves. 

I didn't stand there frozen or speechless, I chose not to believe what he said. I heard what he said, but I knew it was not true. Is it faith or is it denial? Only I know. By the grace of God my parents did recover, slowly and steadily. I didn't know it would be a reality. But it was. 

This time is like that. Its already happening.

I don't know how I would feel about the war tomorrow. Things may look different, but I will continue to hold onto faith, preparation and courage. It has served me before. It will serve you too.

This too shall pass.

Day 6 - Writing Challenge; Vulnerability, books and choosing freedom

What a great life. Thank You, God.

I was worried it would get harder to stay motivated to write everyday, I was wrong. 

This time I take to write has been such a sobering experience, its cathartic. Thank God for this desire to create and the intelligence to craft stories.

It occurred to me that as more readers are diligent in reading my blog everyday, if they scroll down to the posts of yesteryears and start reading one post after another. It might be like reading a book on my life. Why did I share so much information online? Why not? Writing is not an academic pursuit, its an exercise in vulnerability and a litmus test to speaking the truth even when you are exposing yourself to  judgement.

I read somewhere today how people are writing to be remembered. I don't think one should write to be memorable, we must use our creativity to invoke, inspire, guide, relate or comfort someone. Its akin to sitting by their side like a true friend, being there for them. If you are an avid reader, you will know that's how the reading experience is. The characters come alive. You are living with them and through them. Its surreal.

Sometimes I get annoyed that how much ever I learn, there is still some more to learn. Its like walking up to the horizon. I am sure there is a simple mindset fix to help me not get irate. It comes from the place of hunger for knowledge but it metamorphizes into frustration and lingers like low self-esteem. Its weird how in a world where people have enemies on the outside, I here turn on my own self every time.

Whatever you are going through, know that it will soon end. The good and the bad. Don't interpret a bad season or a bad day as a bad life. Learn to love yourself, depend on God, seek His support and just choose to be free. That's a real life-skill.

Day 5 - Writing Challenge; Age of Adaline, parents ka pyaar and prayer

Do you remember the scene in the movie Age of Adaline at the end when Harrison Ford would give a toast on his 40th wedding anniversary party with his wife by his arms gazing at his face beaming with love?

What love looks like

This is what he said, "When I first met this lovely lady, back in the olden days, I had... I had a pretty good idea of what I wanted to do in my job, but I didn't really know what I wanted to be as a man, when I grew up. If I ever grew up. But the commitment that she made, to our marriage and our family, to me, the quality of her love led me to understand that I could have no greater ambition in life than to be the best possible husband I could be for her. And I'm still working on it. So, here's to Kathy, love of my life, mate of my soul, mother of my lovely children. To Kathy.

As the room would laugh in happiness for the couple, they'd cut to their daughter sitting in the party smiling and visibly emotional with happy tears. In the entire movie, the daughter's role is less than insignificant, but in those 3-5 secs I felt it was an absolute masterpiece what managed to convey by showing their smiling adult daughter. A child's happiness (especially a daughter) is directly related to the love she witnesses between her parents. 

More so, the quality of love that a father bestows on his wife (her mother) does so much for the child emotionally and mentally, I'd say that's what an absolute healthy upbringing is. She wouldn't have to grow up and heal from the pain of never having experienced or witnessed how  love between two people looks like first hand.

There is so much to say about this topic, but I pray for all of you to find the love you desire and accept the love that has been given to you. 

Day 4 - Writing challenge; LinkedIn, travel anxieties and forgiveness

Photo by Karan Verma on Unsplash

Just because you are naturally gifted in few areas, it shouldn't stop us from behaving worthy of it.

Everyday I get on LinkedIn there are stories of professional gymnastics, AI, new markets, sponsored ads, opinion articles. It feels like entering into a noisy classroom. Everyone has something to say, if I pay attention long enough, I know there will be some useful takeaway. But learning is also exhausting. 

So much is happening so soon and there is so little time. We have taken a wrong turn somewhere when it comes to understanding learning and growth. Learning is important but not at the cost of driving one crazy or questioning their potential. It shouldn't be ammunition for breaking down one's self esteem.

Most of the writing appeal is built by luring in the reader to a welcome paradise letting them anticipate for a plot to unfold or create excitement so they desire more and stick around for more drama. What does a reader want to read. Knowing this is half the battle won. Good thing is you're also a reader, so write what you want to read. Simple everyday life presented in playful, desirable and enviable stories.

I had to end my working day post lunch because I have been experiencing travel anxiety. This is something I discovered last year, as the day nearing my travel approaches, I feel a knot in my stomach. It has especially amplified after the unfortunate incident of losing my passport at KL airport. I haven't planned a travel with my new passport though I came close couple of times. I feel its all connected. I am trying to make something work because one thing previously did not work well.

I need to learn how to show myself grace and not shoot my feelings down if they don't align with the life I want to create. I know someone will be benefitting of my posts whether I hear from them or not. You can't expect fruits the day you sow the seed, right?

 

Day 3 - Writing challenge; Office bimbo, daddy's girl and summer trip

Such a long day! 

But mine doesn't end without keeping up the promise to myself, remember?

I went through 3 ideas for today's blog. Started each one partially and abandoned it midway. I read today that when you're editing after writing, if the editing takes more than 3 rounds, probably your messsge is shallow. Its not the words but the message or piece that needs reconsideration.

Since I have not been able to decide on the topic, I am just going to summarize in 2-3 lines every idea I could have stretched but wouldn't have made sense or could have had I had the vision.

Here goes.

Can't imagine a life where my dad is not around. Being alive in a world where your parents are not alive is the worst. I love and hate my parents. It happens in cycles and I have come to realise that is the healthiest and most authentic I have been to myself. Coming to terms with how I feel and having the courage to actually say it and be okay with it.

Some people just have their way in corporate by being dumb and shrewd. Its a toxic combo all the way. But they are successful nonetheless. Being kind, humble or hardworking is a good life virtue but not necessarily rewarding in corporate. I would still recommend being a good person than a shrewd and dumbass professional.

After saying NO to 5+ locations to our annual summer girls trip, I am beginning to feel left out. I know my decisions were well thought out. So its really not the saying no that's off-putting but the ambiguity of not knowing when the next trip is. You see our calendars are blocked at the beginning of the year more and less. We have an idea as to how the months will be spent. This not knowing and not controlling the outcome is not new to me, but having an attitude of positivity is definitely not me. I am hopeful and optimistic but well prepared for negative outcomes if anything.

I did have some more bits on tittilating writing, using of oxymoron and metaphors. How AI is coming for our jobs and know to feel about all this. Those thoughts were not refined even mentally to build upon. They were just peeking. I guess this is enough for now.

Caio.

Day 2 - Writing challenge; Write, teenage & promises to keep

Photo by Ayrus Hill on Unsplash

Hello, and welcome. Phew.

There is so much for us to unpack. Can you believe I have almost a book's worth of stories to tell from yesterday’s post to today. Perhaps its the writing challenge giving me the extra GB to remember a lot more than usual. As much as I would like to pour out everything in this blog. I have to consider why I started this challenge. a) To write consistently b) To help relieve myself of the overwhelming albeit productive thoughts 3) Prepare myself to write a book.

This is the premise. I have not decided the tenure and frequency of these posts. But one thing is certain. I am super excited for this endeavour and I know with certainty that this exercise is going to benefit me. Alright, enough of self-talk. Let’s get into it.

I hid a guy in the terrace at 18. Wait, I have done that earlier too, when I was 16. Just realizing it as I writing; this is crazy. So, I went to the apartment I grew up in to oversee some renovation work. While I was inching up the stairs, every corridor, parking lot, basement, entryway area was stirring up my mind and opening my eyes to things that have happened there while I grew up with vivid imagery.

Is this the meaning of reliving the moment?

I don’t have good memories of childhood. Actually, I don’t remember much. Even the things I remembered here are just silly and stupid things I did as a teen. But even in those memories there was no joy or laughter. Just scheming, hiding and lot of trying to get away. I want to see how the childhood of others my age were, like from their POV.  I hope there was lot of fun, dancing, meeting of friends, sharing food, feeling safe, knowing and feeling you are loved and having a real childhood.

Its incomprehensible for me to think how the first 10 to 15 years are still influencing your life even after 20+ years. Yesterday I was reading a LinkedIn post by Adhiti Jha – she is a Medium writer and she spoke about how when we writers publish a post, we are yearning to be seen. Our words to resonate with someone’s experience. Our vulnerability to inspire their growth. Our shame to heal their pain. Our truth to set them free. And in this process receive the validation of doing a good job.

Whatever happens writing should not stop. Art and creativity are the vocal cords of Society said Javed Akhtar. True, I write to share part of my life and in sharing that part I want to help, inspire and befriend my readers. But even if no one reads, I still did good. I used my voice, and from the universe’s perspective, I have wielded the sword with my fingers, and that’s being true to your gift and craft.

Its just day 2 and I am in high spirits about the challenge. I know it will not be the same all days, but along with this exercise, I am allowing myself to unlearn, learn and relearn patterns about me, so this is bigger than what I have let you know. I won’t let myself down till the challenge is complete. See you tomorrow.

Day 1 - Writing challenge; Sun, leaf & You on Netflix

There is a sweet romanticizing of the day to day in a writer's life. Making a big deal of small things. But that's who a writer is, right?! The over bearing observation and the blatant empathy towards all things feeling sensitivities that are not worthy to be recognized and peeling of the layers while the average eye can only see the one thing and think that's the core.

I have all my life watched with intent the gentle movement of leaves on against the summer breeze. It glistens gloriously especially around noon. It beautiful to witness the effect of heat on trees and plants. When i go to my terrace garden in the evening, I see the stems, buds and leaves looking dull, tired, ready to give up and even some wilted. The sun is no joke. It burns. It dehydrates. It exhausts you. Its relentless. Its consistent. Its out of your control.

It beats you down. But really, can any of us imagine a life without sun. its heat and light. That must be a dark dark world - metaphorically and figuratively. Sun is like the beating we get in life I think. Its pain, but its much needed to sustain. Need to learn to live with it. 

You know I was watching You on Netflix and in season 1 Beck gets this sudden will to write and publish because the events leading up to Peach's death and her relationship with Joe - it all erupted in her making her finally to become the writer she always desired to be. And again at the end, in the basement when she was trapped by Joe, she started writing in a typewriter reflecting her whole life.

That scene singlehandedly made me relate to her and this happened in the last episode. For the first 9 episodes, I couldn't relate to her life choices, but I did understand why she was the was she was. Anyway, all this is to say, your definition of you will unfold with newer experiences, self reflection and the intervention of God in your life - through opening your eyes of faith or miraculous healing. 

Don't give up on life. Don't look down on your life. Doesn't matter how much ever sad and pathetic it looks right now. Everything can be redeemed with God by your side and your desire/hardwork to change your life.

I like this picture of me in a Chosen scene.

I am thinking of getting back to posting on this blog for training to write a book (one day) and also for keeping up with writing everyday. I haven't decided how often to post, but I know this will just be a stream of consciousness kind of writing exercise. I overthink a lot and don't trust my intuition because I have so many thoughts and narratives overlapping and interjecting when it comes to decision-making. I also wanted to be private person and that meant not sharing too much on the internet. But sharing your thoughts is not sharing your life. Besides, writing is not a jolly hobby for me. I write for a living, so this is milk bread and peanut butter. 

An open letter to Jesus

 

Dear Jesus, 

I am writing this letter to let you know you are my #1. I have told you this many times in prayer but not with perfect conviction. In a generic sense, you are definitely number 1. You are God eternal. The beginning and the end. You decided my life. You knew me when I was in my mother's womb. You chose me before the foundation of the world. You decided when and where I must be born. To whom I should be born. You knew my siblings, friends, spouse and children. You knew it all. So in that elevated sense of you being a know-it-all, you hold great power that makes you the top man.

But you also earned the first position in my life by being the perfect Father, Mother, Bridegroom, Brother and Friend. There is nothing you have not done for me and nothing I can do for you that will make you leave me or love me more. you love me with your perfect love. You took me from where I was: dirty, messy, filthy and loved me. Your love then changed me. It washed me, healed me and opened my eyes of faith. Now I am in love with you not only for all that you have done but for all that you went through so you can love me the way you loved me and for all that you have prepared for me to experience when I complete my earthly race.

I want everyone to know you. I want everyone in this world to experience having you as their all-in-all. It hurts me to think so many people not taking you up on your call to salvation, friendship and eternal life. I understand why it is difficult for people not to turn their eyes to you. There is an invisible enemy behind everything evil in this world. If you put your head in a hole, you can only see darkness. But when you lift your head and see through the light of God, life is beautiful. The Word of God (The Holy Bible) is that light and I wish everyone gets to see you, know you and experience you. 

Lord, I feel immense frustration about the lack of godliness and the rampant increase of evil. I know my job is to do my part (through prayer, praise and sharing of the Word). Just give me grace to do my part diligently. I hate to see people going through their whole lives not knowing you. And by not knowing you here on earth, they are losing the opportunity to be with you in heaven. This is an incomprehensible loss. Let people come to know you. I implore fellow stewards of Christ to do their part, for the gospel can be reached through our prayer and intercession only.

I started to write this to share how much I love you and what you mean to me but it took a turn with me talking about how others are missing out on you. I guess that's the thing with God's love. Its bigger when shared. That's why church gathering, fellowship meets, youth camps and small group prayers are exciting and full of growth experiences. 

I just want to end this letter by saying how much I love you and confess to the world that you mean everything to me. It does get very painful and hopeless sometimes when walking by faith and not by sight. Let's be honest, this place is a paradise for everything ungodly and evil, and I do feel wearisome. But thanks to the Holy Spirit and the Word of God for reassuring me and getting me out of the slump in due time.

Doormat

Writing my pain away, am I?
Is this even a solution?

I feel like a coward

Hiding behind my pen

Life is happening on the outside

While I lay here not participating

Am I protecting myself?

Or am I too scared to live?

How did I become this person?

Unreservedly and entirely dead inside

I am full of unmet needs

Just plain old miserable   

But I do desire change

God yes I do, I do

But too beaten and bruised

And confidence, what is that?

This is what happens when 

You roll in the mud for long

You become one with the mire

Unrecognizable, lost and left to die

This is your life, darling

Your only time here on earth

Don't blame people or circumstances

For stepping on a doormat