An open letter to Jesus

 

Dear Jesus, 

I am writing this letter to let you know you are my #1. I have told you this many times in prayer but not with perfect conviction. In a generic sense, you are definitely number 1. You are God eternal. The beginning and the end. You decided my life. You knew me when I was in my mother's womb. You chose me before the foundation of the world. You decided when and where I must be born. To whom I should be born. You knew my siblings, friends, spouse and children. You knew it all. So in that elevated sense of you being a know-it-all, you hold great power that makes you the top man.

But you also earned the first position in my life by being the perfect Father, Mother, Bridegroom, Brother and Friend. There is nothing you have not done for me and nothing I can do for you that will make you leave me or love me more. you love me with your perfect love. You took me from where I was: dirty, messy, filthy and loved me. Your love then changed me. It washed me, healed me and opened my eyes of faith. Now I am in love with you not only for all that you have done but for all that you went through so you can love me the way you loved me and for all that you have prepared for me to experience when I complete my earthly race.

I want everyone to know you. I want everyone in this world to experience having you as their all-in-all. It hurts me to think so many people not taking you up on your call to salvation, friendship and eternal life. I understand why it is difficult for people not to turn their eyes to you. There is an invisible enemy behind everything evil in this world. If you put your head in a hole, you can only see darkness. But when you lift your head and see through the light of God, life is beautiful. The Word of God (The Holy Bible) is that light and I wish everyone gets to see you, know you and experience you. 

Lord, I feel immense frustration about the lack of godliness and the rampant increase of evil. I know my job is to do my part (through prayer, praise and sharing of the Word). Just give me grace to do my part diligently. I hate to see people going through their whole lives not knowing you. And by not knowing you here on earth, they are losing the opportunity to be with you in heaven. This is an incomprehensible loss. Let people come to know you. I implore fellow stewards of Christ to do their part, for the gospel can be reached through our prayer and intercession only.

I started to write this to share how much I love you and what you mean to me but it took a turn with me talking about how others are missing out on you. I guess that's the thing with God's love. Its bigger when shared. That's why church gathering, fellowship meets, youth camps and small group prayers are exciting and full of growth experiences. 

I just want to end this letter by saying how much I love you and confess to the world that you mean everything to me. It does get very painful and hopeless sometimes when walking by faith and not by sight. Let's be honest, this place is a paradise for everything ungodly and evil, and I do feel wearisome. But thanks to the Holy Spirit and the Word of God for reassuring me and getting me out of the slump in due time.

Doormat

Writing my pain away, am I?
Is this even a solution?

I feel like a coward

Hiding behind my pen

Life is happening on the outside

While I lay here not participating

Am I protecting myself?

Or am I too scared to live?

How did I become this person?

Unreservedly and entirely dead inside

I am full of unmet needs

Just plain old miserable   

But I do desire change

God yes I do, I do

But too beaten and bruised

And confidence, what is that?

This is what happens when 

You roll in the mud for long

You become one with the mire

Unrecognizable, lost and left to die

This is your life, darling

Your only time here on earth

Don't blame people or circumstances

For stepping on a doormat

Falling in love with Jesus

I have lived long enough on this earth to have the cognizance of what makes people fall in love, stay in love and even run out of love. The sweetest, cutest, honest, or the niftiest is not going to cut to the chase. Having an extraordinary partner doesn't seem good enough. Is it because the human heart is crazy or are we unsatiable? It is secret option number three.


Before we go there, why isn't our heart "fully" satisfied? That is because the heart is not a simple love machine, it is complex, preposterous and has an impermeable layer of purity that worldly love cannot pour into. You may think I am making this stuff up , but you're welcome to verify and research and even take a moment and reflect. How much ever a person loves you, treats you well, trusts you, appreciates you, floods you with goodness, there is vaccum and loneliness lurking somewhere in your heart. The love your heart earns is of Jesus.

I was a tramp

People who know me think I am this Jesus fanatic, obsessed, walking in the sides, coloring within the lines goodie churchie girl. They couldn't be more wrong. There is also this idea that I am religious - wooah! I didn't want to befriend Jesus you know, because let's be honest. It didn't make sense. If I am screaming in pain and want someone to get me pizza and chocolate, He isn't going to be my friend and show up at my doorstep. So what does it really mean to call Jesus your friend?

I live with this understanding, that even people who love you the most cannot sometimes help you. This is true because, they are also people and there is only so much humans can do that can heal the heart. Inversely, Jesus can do better than a human. He is not just better than human help but there is nothing beyond Him.

I find myself wondering atimes if my devotion to Jesus is because I cannot find a truer friend than Him or is it because I love Him? Its a fine line. Sure, I love that He spoils me with goodness. But that's not it, He really understands. He is open to my imperfections. He is accepting of my flaws. He is not judgemental. He is patient. He believes in me. He is my cheer leader. He encourages me to do better. He wants me. He desires me. His heart longs for me, 

Why then would I mot fall in love with Him!

Things not going the way you want is what's life's all about.

Even the nicest gesture, the kindest intent and the warmest smile can be misconstrued. It is the play of fate or God or simply a matter of what it is. Its the stuff of the great beyond. We may not know why the things that happen, happen. Some for good, some for worse. But in all this, the Lord God - the creator of the universe protects our soul. He never lets our heartbreak for no reason. There is always a learning in whatever experience we go through. And I for one, want to learn to be excited and thankful for the unfortunate hands that come my way, because they come bearing rich lessons. That's how well-rounded (pun not intended:P) I want to become.

Much love,

Jen

Fear

She sat in the frontiers of her mind; monstrous and mighty.

A shrill voice escaped, don't let her in, don't let her linger.

Screams of anguish suppressed by rigour, here will I stay and here will I rest.

Vices of the past and wrongs of the youth thrusting her soul, wrecking her wit. 

Burning breath of hatred, bitterness, guilt and shame coiling her frail, frail.

I let you in, I gave you room. But its time you leave. You simply must go.

She laughed like a thunder and danced like a drunkard.
Oh, I am not going, this is my home; here will I stay, together with you.
I will conquer by the fright of your heart, cremate your dreams and clobber your plans.

What should I do, oh what can I give, 
for you to just leave and turn not around?

Well, I may never go. I may never leave. But someday I might, 
once my spineless friend 'timid' moves out of here.

Why I can do this myself

Yo, what's going on? Why are you all quiet and ish..

Its funny you should ask, because you're the one acting all weird and distant.

What? What do you mean I am being aloof. You're the one sitting alone, not talking to anyone, having a long face and giving a hissy fit.

Yeah, I know. Am just feeling a little low. That's all.

But why?

I don't know, yaar.

Hm, is it something I did. I have a tendency to wander off and dig up dirt from our past. Then I keep replaying it, you know me right...

Am not sure, man. Am just not happy with myself.

Whaaat? are you kidding me? You have no reason to feel bad, ok!
You are working every day, doing your part and not hurting anyone.
We can say that you even help around a bit.
Can you do better? Yes, you could do better, but you're trying and that's everything.
Don't beat yourself up.

I don't know man, its just taxing you know, this adulting. 

So many things to juggle. You think you're doing enough, but is it really enough?

 I don't know, man. This is getting deep. I mean, I am not losing per se. 

So what! That doesn't mean am winning either. Am I? 

Ugh!! Guess am just anxious. Overthinking as usual. Stupid me.

It's good to keep a tab on your thoughts, weigh out your feelings
to just see for yourself where you're at, its good babe. Healthy even.
Just don't go bonkers, aight? Let it be.

You're right man, I need to calm down and relax. 

Thanks for being a friend and cheering me up. I feel a lot better.

Come on! Isn't that why I am still here, beating for you.

B e    y o u r    o w n   f r i e n d

Moved to tears: a story on sisterhood

The benediction was given and the congregation was dismissed. Edith walked to the pulpit from behind to meet the minister. She was stopped by Jane to her surprise and they exchanged pleasantries and friendly hugs. Edith was 36, married and with kids. She had a calm, charming and contagiously giggly personality. Jane was 5 years younger and they both knew each other through the years of attending the same church and being in the same fellowship. 

Jane told Edith, as her face turned warm and her eyes moist, 'remember me in your prayers sis, in the new year at least God should grant us a blessing.' and looked away poignantly. Edith understood her inference and took Jane's hands in a firm clasp and said tenderly, 'I have been praying for you everyday. I see you every week, and I know how you must be feeling being the only one left among your friends. Many of us are praying and God will certainly bless you. Keep your faith, the Lord will do great things for you.' 

As cool springs in a parched desert, Edith's words moistened Jane's weary heart, and as she looked up to give her a final peck and leave, she was stunned to see a heavy drop of tear slide down Edith's face.

Jane's pain was seen in Edith's eyes. They hugged again.