Fear

She sat in the frontiers of her mind; monstrous and mighty.

A shrill voice escaped, don't let her in, don't let her linger.

Screams of anguish suppressed by rigour, here will I stay and here will I rest.

Vices of the past and wrongs of the youth thrusting her soul, wrecking her wit. 

Burning breath of hatred, bitterness, guilt and shame coiling her frail, frail.

I let you in, I gave you room. But its time you leave. You simply must go.

She laughed like a thunder and danced like a drunkard.
Oh, I am not going, this is my home; here will I stay, together with you.
I will conquer by the fright of your heart, cremate your dreams and clobber your plans.

What should I do, oh what can I give, 
for you to just leave and turn not around?

Well, I may never go. I may never leave. But someday I might, 
once my spineless friend 'timid' moves out of here.

Why I can do this myself

Yo, what's going on? Why are you all quiet and ish..

Its funny you should ask, because you're the one acting all weird and distant.

What? What do you mean I am being aloof. You're the one sitting alone, not talking to anyone, having a long face and giving a hissy fit.

Yeah, I know. Am just feeling a little low. That's all.

But why?

I don't know, yaar.

Hm, is it something I did. I have a tendency to wander off and dig up dirt from our past. Then I keep replaying it, you know me right...

Am not sure, man. Am just not happy with myself.

Whaaat? are you kidding me? You have no reason to feel bad, ok!
You are working every day, doing your part and not hurting anyone.
We can say that you even help around a bit.
Can you do better? Yes, you could do better, but you're trying and that's everything.
Don't beat yourself up.

I don't know man, its just taxing you know, this adulting. 

So many things to juggle. You think you're doing enough, but is it really enough?

 I don't know, man. This is getting deep. I mean, I am not losing per se. 

So what! That doesn't mean am winning either. Am I? 

Ugh!! Guess am just anxious. Overthinking as usual. Stupid me.

It's good to keep a tab on your thoughts, weigh out your feelings
to just see for yourself where you're at, its good babe. Healthy even.
Just don't go bonkers, aight? Let it be.

You're right man, I need to calm down and relax. 

Thanks for being a friend and cheering me up. I feel a lot better.

Come on! Isn't that why I am still here, beating for you.

B e    y o u r    o w n   f r i e n d

Moved to tears: a story on sisterhood

The benediction was given and the congregation was dismissed. Edith walked to the pulpit from behind to meet the minister. She was stopped by Jane to her surprise and they exchanged pleasantries and friendly hugs. Edith was 36, married and with kids. She had a calm, charming and contagiously giggly personality. Jane was 5 years younger and they both knew each other through the years of attending the same church and being in the same fellowship. 

Jane told Edith, as her face turned warm and her eyes moist, 'remember me in your prayers sis, in the new year at least God should grant us a blessing.' and looked away poignantly. Edith understood her inference and took Jane's hands in a firm clasp and said tenderly, 'I have been praying for you everyday. I see you every week, and I know how you must be feeling being the only one left among your friends. Many of us are praying and God will certainly bless you. Keep your faith, the Lord will do great things for you.' 

As cool springs in a parched desert, Edith's words moistened Jane's weary heart, and as she looked up to give her a final peck and leave, she was stunned to see a heavy drop of tear slide down Edith's face.

Jane's pain was seen in Edith's eyes. They hugged again.

Why I write even when I don't want to write

If you arrived here because you too were hell pissed about wanting to write something but not having the mind to write; yet not able to let go of the urge to write because you want to be writing nonetheless. Yes?

[Hi-Fi, deep breaths, take a seat.. lemme hold your hand]

I get you. I really do.

If I had a rupee (I'm Indian) for every time I mosey around, giving myself a pep talk while searching my brain for topics that would accelerate me to write, I would be buried in my own wealth. 

Writers don't worry about coining words, they worry about the message in their words.

To slap something together and call it a piece is not a writer's metier. For a simpleton who wants to be paid by the hour for completing 2000 words and submit, can do just that and sleep alright. But not for someone who sees their craft sacred, who would wallow in the warmth of toasty words and would proofread and edit to the point of losing the plot. To be a writer is to have one's thoughts translated into soulful words.

There is always something to write. Don't let your mood or the situation in your life or the crap you had to take that day dictate or discourage you from picking up your pen and paper. Oh-kay, or opening your word processor! Smh. Your day should be done only after you make sweet love with words because that's how much you should be in love with writing. A writer should not thrive on motivation, just inspiration and that's exactly why this post is up!

December is the month to look back

2017 has been savoury. Oft times when I am alone, my heart and mind sings in adulation of God’s righteousness. The saving grace of God that surpasses all human wisdom and sageness. I have been thinking of incidental and definitive moments in this year. It seems like there really wasn’t any noticeable accomplishments. We didn’t buy a house or a car, we didn’t have our first child or get a pet, my travel plans collapsed, my brother couldn't visit us, some incomes were shut, chai wala is still the PM of my country.. But it feels like this was a successful year nonetheless.

This whole year,
· I was never lonely or fearful
· I didn’t go without food, clothing or shelter
· I didn’t meet with an accident or lose a body part
· I didn’t have a loved one ill or hospitalised · I wasn’t stalled in the rains or the storms
· I was not mugged, violated or abused in any way
· I didn’t go without money in my purse
· I didn’t sleep without food in my belly or in my fridge
· I wasn’t deprived of love or friendship

The kind of things I read and hear every day - the cruelties in the world, makes me want to pull my own hair. People suffering every day in unimaginable ways, indescribable and unconscionable. Rape, murder, genocide, bombing, theft, quakes, lightening, hurricanes, plagues, addiction, losing of jobs and houses, children and elders, its menacing. If I am going to complain one second of one day in my life, for lack of anything lesser than the above mentioned, I must be made of inconceivable evil, because nothing makes a person human, as much as being grateful does. Your belief of good fortune could be in anything but mine is from Jesus. He is the One who led, held and protected me (us) throughout this year. I know that without a doubt and am grateful with all my heart 💖

When girlfriends spill the beans

I present to you emotions. Emotions of wantedness, validation, belongingness and companionship. I have both given and received love in abundance. The soaring midnight calls, waking up to good morning texts, the i-miss-u's and the i-love-you's, the flirtatious nudging, pinching, holding of hands and rubbing of fingers within tightly held palms, the deliberately mistaken touch in a crowded elevator followed by a sly smile, inappropriate banter, from feeling each others toes from under the table, canoodling in a car or petting with eyes across a room amongst peers. 

I know it all, have seen it all, and had it all.

But what happens when you snap out from a Cecelia Ahern's novel and realise that's not good enough? This smoke of romance has been fogging your vision life. In other words, what do you do when life happens (read as shit happens). You look into those emotions, an the people associated with them and all you find are a bunch of prawn heads that make you squirm.

We want the real deal and most often than not, we realise we are somewhat missing it. It could be monetary accomplishments, emotional unavailability, or even not getting some. The need for an uplifting bunch of people to call as our own, our people and kin. Intellectual companionship that is simple and straightforward. No underlying intentions or hidden agendas. No need of coy or flattery. Just outspoken, honest and decent talk. Is that too much to ask Apparently! Despite being kind, approachable, jovial, temperament and level-headed, it's hard to find your tribe.

Its almost like being good and moral is the reason we fail. The world has changed so much that it doesn't hold good in good stead anymore. 

Call ended 00:57:29

Dear you.

It appears to me that the only time you have a conversation with yourself is when you are disappointed in yourself. Stop acting like you don’t know what I am talking about. I am talking about the lonely pillow talks with yourself crying and feeling miserable. Does that jog your memory? Or how about your silent suppression of self-esteem whenever you see someone prettier, smarter, wealthier or talented than you are? Now, don’t make me give you the ugly list of all the times in a day you do this to yourself, in fact every time you’re alone with your thoughts, isn't this what your really up to?

Are you stupid?

Nah, the right question is, how can you be so stupid?

I guess, I was right earlier. You ARE stupid.

Look at your palm. Seriously, look at your fingers. (I know you're not looking) you notice each of your finger is in a different size, don't you? If all the fingers were of the same size, you cannot use it like you do now. The lows and lengths in your life have a reason. They lead you to a new place. A better place. The kind of place where the pain of your past has a meaning. Don't disregard any experience as bootless. Life is not meant to be perfect. 

Look back at all the amazing and beautiful things that happened in your life. They were either preceded or succeeded by shitty, painful days. Life is like a lorry stuck in Mount Road traffic (Chennai references, hehe), there are times it will have its way, times it will not. Sometimes at midnight it has the entire road to itself like a boss. Its about the time and seasons. Change is the only constant. Don’t be consumed in the pain of the hopeless things that are happening in your life today. Look up. Rejoice. Remember the merry days, the smiles, the little joys. I don't see you grinning or laughing alone at night reminiscing the amazing things that have happened to you from your birth, then why do it only with hurtful things? Fill your heart with thankfulness instead of spite and bitterness. Prepare your heart for the beauty that is just ahead. Don’t wallow in pain, rise above! 

P.S I was encouraged to write this piece because every time I have a conversation with a friend or kin, they talk tirelessly on how gloomy things have been in their life. They hardly even mention or acknowledge any good thing. But knowing their life, I have seen in their lives successes and everyday blessings which they hardly make mention or celebrate. Pain consumes. Joy uplifts. But don't have to let pain consume us. We can let it fuel us. It is an option. Make that choice.