Day 4 - Writing challenge; LinkedIn, travel anxieties and forgiveness

Photo by Karan Verma on Unsplash

Just because you are naturally gifted in few areas, it shouldn't stop us from behaving worthy of it.

Everyday I get on LinkedIn there are stories of professional gymnastics, AI, new markets, sponsored ads, opinion articles. It feels like entering into a noisy classroom. Everyone has something to say, if I pay attention long enough, I know there will be some useful takeaway. But learning is also exhausting. 

So much is happening so soon and there is so little time. We have taken a wrong turn somewhere when it comes to understanding learning and growth. Learning is important but not at the cost of driving one crazy or questioning their potential. It shouldn't be ammunition for breaking down one's self esteem.

Most of the writing appeal is built by luring in the reader to a welcome paradise letting them anticipate for a plot to unfold or create excitement so they desire more and stick around for more drama. What does a reader want to read. Knowing this is half the battle won. Good thing is you're also a reader, so write what you want to read. Simple everyday life presented in playful, desirable and enviable stories.

I had to end my working day post lunch because I have been experiencing travel anxiety. This is something I discovered last year, as the day nearing my travel approaches, I feel a knot in my stomach. It has especially amplified after the unfortunate incident of losing my passport at KL airport. I haven't planned a travel with my new passport though I came close couple of times. I feel its all connected. I am trying to make something work because one thing previously did not work well.

I need to learn how to show myself grace and not shoot my feelings down if they don't align with the life I want to create. I know someone will be benefitting of my posts whether I hear from them or not. You can't expect fruits the day you sow the seed, right?

 

Day 3 - Writing challenge; Office bimbo, daddy's girl and summer trip

Such a long day! 

But mine doesn't end without keeping up the promise to myself, remember?

I went through 3 ideas for today's blog. Started each one partially and abandoned it midway. I read today that when you're editing after writing, if the editing takes more than 3 rounds, probably your messsge is shallow. Its not the words but the message or piece that needs reconsideration.

Since I have not been able to decide on the topic, I am just going to summarize in 2-3 lines every idea I could have stretched but wouldn't have made sense or could have had I had the vision.

Here goes.

Can't imagine a life where my dad is not around. Being alive in a world where your parents are not alive is the worst. I love and hate my parents. It happens in cycles and I have come to realise that is the healthiest and most authentic I have been to myself. Coming to terms with how I feel and having the courage to actually say it and be okay with it.

Some people just have their way in corporate by being dumb and shrewd. Its a toxic combo all the way. But they are successful nonetheless. Being kind, humble or hardworking is a good life virtue but not necessarily rewarding in corporate. I would still recommend being a good person than a shrewd and dumbass professional.

After saying NO to 5+ locations to our annual summer girls trip, I am beginning to feel left out. I know my decisions were well thought out. So its really not the saying no that's off-putting but the ambiguity of not knowing when the next trip is. You see our calendars are blocked at the beginning of the year more and less. We have an idea as to how the months will be spent. This not knowing and not controlling the outcome is not new to me, but having an attitude of positivity is definitely not me. I am hopeful and optimistic but well prepared for negative outcomes if anything.

I did have some more bits on tittilating writing, using of oxymoron and metaphors. How AI is coming for our jobs and know to feel about all this. Those thoughts were not refined even mentally to build upon. They were just peeking. I guess this is enough for now.

Caio.

Day 2 - Writing challenge; Write, teenage & promises to keep

Photo by Ayrus Hill on Unsplash

Hello, and welcome. Phew.

There is so much for us to unpack. Can you believe I have almost a book's worth of stories to tell from yesterday’s post to today. Perhaps its the writing challenge giving me the extra GB to remember a lot more than usual. As much as I would like to pour out everything in this blog. I have to consider why I started this challenge. a) To write consistently b) To help relieve myself of the overwhelming albeit productive thoughts 3) Prepare myself to write a book.

This is the premise. I have not decided the tenure and frequency of these posts. But one thing is certain. I am super excited for this endeavour and I know with certainty that this exercise is going to benefit me. Alright, enough of self-talk. Let’s get into it.

I hid a guy in the terrace at 18. Wait, I have done that earlier too, when I was 16. Just realizing it as I writing; this is crazy. So, I went to the apartment I grew up in to oversee some renovation work. While I was inching up the stairs, every corridor, parking lot, basement, entryway area was stirring up my mind and opening my eyes to things that have happened there while I grew up with vivid imagery.

Is this the meaning of reliving the moment?

I don’t have good memories of childhood. Actually, I don’t remember much. Even the things I remembered here are just silly and stupid things I did as a teen. But even in those memories there was no joy or laughter. Just scheming, hiding and lot of trying to get away. I want to see how the childhood of others my age were, like from their POV.  I hope there was lot of fun, dancing, meeting of friends, sharing food, feeling safe, knowing and feeling you are loved and having a real childhood.

Its incomprehensible for me to think how the first 10 to 15 years are still influencing your life even after 20+ years. Yesterday I was reading a LinkedIn post by Adhiti Jha – she is a Medium writer and she spoke about how when we writers publish a post, we are yearning to be seen. Our words to resonate with someone’s experience. Our vulnerability to inspire their growth. Our shame to heal their pain. Our truth to set them free. And in this process receive the validation of doing a good job.

Whatever happens writing should not stop. Art and creativity are the vocal cords of Society said Javed Akhtar. True, I write to share part of my life and in sharing that part I want to help, inspire and befriend my readers. But even if no one reads, I still did good. I used my voice, and from the universe’s perspective, I have wielded the sword with my fingers, and that’s being true to your gift and craft.

Its just day 2 and I am in high spirits about the challenge. I know it will not be the same all days, but along with this exercise, I am allowing myself to unlearn, learn and relearn patterns about me, so this is bigger than what I have let you know. I won’t let myself down till the challenge is complete. See you tomorrow.

Day 1 - Writing challenge; Sun, leaf & You on Netflix

There is a sweet romanticizing of the day to day in a writer's life. Making a big deal of small things. But that's who a writer is, right?! The over bearing observation and the blatant empathy towards all things feeling sensitivities that are not worthy to be recognized and peeling of the layers while the average eye can only see the one thing and think that's the core.

I have all my life watched with intent the gentle movement of leaves on against the summer breeze. It glistens gloriously especially around noon. It beautiful to witness the effect of heat on trees and plants. When i go to my terrace garden in the evening, I see the stems, buds and leaves looking dull, tired, ready to give up and even some wilted. The sun is no joke. It burns. It dehydrates. It exhausts you. Its relentless. Its consistent. Its out of your control.

It beats you down. But really, can any of us imagine a life without sun. its heat and light. That must be a dark dark world - metaphorically and figuratively. Sun is like the beating we get in life I think. Its pain, but its much needed to sustain. Need to learn to live with it. 

You know I was watching You on Netflix and in season 1 Beck gets this sudden will to write and publish because the events leading up to Peach's death and her relationship with Joe - it all erupted in her making her finally to become the writer she always desired to be. And again at the end, in the basement when she was trapped by Joe, she started writing in a typewriter reflecting her whole life.

That scene singlehandedly made me relate to her and this happened in the last episode. For the first 9 episodes, I couldn't relate to her life choices, but I did understand why she was the was she was. Anyway, all this is to say, your definition of you will unfold with newer experiences, self reflection and the intervention of God in your life - through opening your eyes of faith or miraculous healing. 

Don't give up on life. Don't look down on your life. Doesn't matter how much ever sad and pathetic it looks right now. Everything can be redeemed with God by your side and your desire/hardwork to change your life.

I like this picture of me in a Chosen scene.

I am thinking of getting back to posting on this blog for training to write a book (one day) and also for keeping up with writing everyday. I haven't decided how often to post, but I know this will just be a stream of consciousness kind of writing exercise. I overthink a lot and don't trust my intuition because I have so many thoughts and narratives overlapping and interjecting when it comes to decision-making. I also wanted to be private person and that meant not sharing too much on the internet. But sharing your thoughts is not sharing your life. Besides, writing is not a jolly hobby for me. I write for a living, so this is milk bread and peanut butter. 

An open letter to Jesus

 

Dear Jesus, 

I am writing this letter to let you know you are my #1. I have told you this many times in prayer but not with perfect conviction. In a generic sense, you are definitely number 1. You are God eternal. The beginning and the end. You decided my life. You knew me when I was in my mother's womb. You chose me before the foundation of the world. You decided when and where I must be born. To whom I should be born. You knew my siblings, friends, spouse and children. You knew it all. So in that elevated sense of you being a know-it-all, you hold great power that makes you the top man.

But you also earned the first position in my life by being the perfect Father, Mother, Bridegroom, Brother and Friend. There is nothing you have not done for me and nothing I can do for you that will make you leave me or love me more. you love me with your perfect love. You took me from where I was: dirty, messy, filthy and loved me. Your love then changed me. It washed me, healed me and opened my eyes of faith. Now I am in love with you not only for all that you have done but for all that you went through so you can love me the way you loved me and for all that you have prepared for me to experience when I complete my earthly race.

I want everyone to know you. I want everyone in this world to experience having you as their all-in-all. It hurts me to think so many people not taking you up on your call to salvation, friendship and eternal life. I understand why it is difficult for people not to turn their eyes to you. There is an invisible enemy behind everything evil in this world. If you put your head in a hole, you can only see darkness. But when you lift your head and see through the light of God, life is beautiful. The Word of God (The Holy Bible) is that light and I wish everyone gets to see you, know you and experience you. 

Lord, I feel immense frustration about the lack of godliness and the rampant increase of evil. I know my job is to do my part (through prayer, praise and sharing of the Word). Just give me grace to do my part diligently. I hate to see people going through their whole lives not knowing you. And by not knowing you here on earth, they are losing the opportunity to be with you in heaven. This is an incomprehensible loss. Let people come to know you. I implore fellow stewards of Christ to do their part, for the gospel can be reached through our prayer and intercession only.

I started to write this to share how much I love you and what you mean to me but it took a turn with me talking about how others are missing out on you. I guess that's the thing with God's love. Its bigger when shared. That's why church gathering, fellowship meets, youth camps and small group prayers are exciting and full of growth experiences. 

I just want to end this letter by saying how much I love you and confess to the world that you mean everything to me. It does get very painful and hopeless sometimes when walking by faith and not by sight. Let's be honest, this place is a paradise for everything ungodly and evil, and I do feel wearisome. But thanks to the Holy Spirit and the Word of God for reassuring me and getting me out of the slump in due time.

Doormat

Writing my pain away, am I?
Is this even a solution?

I feel like a coward

Hiding behind my pen

Life is happening on the outside

While I lay here not participating

Am I protecting myself?

Or am I too scared to live?

How did I become this person?

Unreservedly and entirely dead inside

I am full of unmet needs

Just plain old miserable   

But I do desire change

God yes I do, I do

But too beaten and bruised

And confidence, what is that?

This is what happens when 

You roll in the mud for long

You become one with the mire

Unrecognizable, lost and left to die

This is your life, darling

Your only time here on earth

Don't blame people or circumstances

For stepping on a doormat

Falling in love with Jesus

I have lived long enough on this earth to have the cognizance of what makes people fall in love, stay in love and even run out of love. The sweetest, cutest, honest, or the niftiest is not going to cut to the chase. Having an extraordinary partner doesn't seem good enough. Is it because the human heart is crazy or are we unsatiable? It is secret option number three.


Before we go there, why isn't our heart "fully" satisfied? That is because the heart is not a simple love machine, it is complex, preposterous and has an impermeable layer of purity that worldly love cannot pour into. You may think I am making this stuff up , but you're welcome to verify and research and even take a moment and reflect. How much ever a person loves you, treats you well, trusts you, appreciates you, floods you with goodness, there is vaccum and loneliness lurking somewhere in your heart. The love your heart earns is of Jesus.

I was a tramp

People who know me think I am this Jesus fanatic, obsessed, walking in the sides, coloring within the lines goodie churchie girl. They couldn't be more wrong. There is also this idea that I am religious - wooah! I didn't want to befriend Jesus you know, because let's be honest. It didn't make sense. If I am screaming in pain and want someone to get me pizza and chocolate, He isn't going to be my friend and show up at my doorstep. So what does it really mean to call Jesus your friend?

I live with this understanding, that even people who love you the most cannot sometimes help you. This is true because, they are also people and there is only so much humans can do that can heal the heart. Inversely, Jesus can do better than a human. He is not just better than human help but there is nothing beyond Him.

I find myself wondering atimes if my devotion to Jesus is because I cannot find a truer friend than Him or is it because I love Him? Its a fine line. Sure, I love that He spoils me with goodness. But that's not it, He really understands. He is open to my imperfections. He is accepting of my flaws. He is not judgemental. He is patient. He believes in me. He is my cheer leader. He encourages me to do better. He wants me. He desires me. His heart longs for me, 

Why then would I mot fall in love with Him!