Vaishnavi Kasthuri Rangan.

My friend, my dear friend.
My shining angel, my beautiful baby.
I have hardly seen your face.
But you have a face in my heart.
The face of a survivor, a fighter and a victor.

Friendship is a celebration of two hearts. Yours and mine.
I remember the time I sat next to you in a math class.
You looked so radiant, your brilliance shone through.
I remember the inline trebles in your voice when you talk, the sound of intelligence.
I raved in your companionship, in the acknowledgement of knowing someone so beautiful, elegant, bold and strong.

Every person has a path.
Yours was much different than most people I know.
That's why you were most beautiful than most people I knew.

Today I saw you,
Surrendered in a box.
I cannot speak, my heart is in my throat.
I saw the frailtiness of humans and the honour of a race won.

People may say you succumbed to your sickness. I think you surpassed it.
You went to the place you deserve.
You deserve peace my baby.
Rest from all pain and suffering.
Rest from all the medicines and tests.
Rest from all the heartaches and breakdowns.

You are bigger than what took you.

You are an angel. You have given to me what most people will not find in their lifetime. You have taught me what is love, courage, strength and modesty. You were unstoppable. There is nothing stopping you even now. Walk in the garden of God, make the celestial world bright with your smile and sparkle. You are a beautiful soul my baby, my miracle child. I loved you so much, perhaps I never showed and perhaps you'll never know. God speed Vysh. xoxo.

Moments.

When I recall the happy times in my life, I am immediately reminded of a particular moment in every situation. Its beautiful how our feelings have a breakthrough. I feel life should be full of those moments. You know that moment when you feel differently because of new knowledge, realization, touch or concern of a dear one? Why aren't we able to experience these moments often? I guess that's how God intended it. Is it that we are allowed a finite number of moments in this finite life? The marvel to a moment is in the unpredictability of it. Right?

Closure.

It was the first week and I looked my personal best. In my profession, it doesn't help to be passive, as marketers, we need to be ahead of our game to stay relevant in the game. I am chirpy, straight-forward and a no-nonsense person, so my personality naturally fit my calibre. I was sprinting around getting work done with unfaltering attention from the very first day. It might look too ambitious for a person who just joined, but not for me. I did not reckon anyone eyeballing me for I could care less. Sigh, I was mistaken!

Trouble.

Couple of days passed and I was all the more absorbed with work. The organisation did not encourage socialising and I sensed the need for it but didn't think it would lead to this. Cue for trouble, there was this guy. Lets call him dickson [makes a lot of sense actually]. I am not going to detail on what kind of a person he was, how he made me feel, what we shared, and all of that, because it was all very very good [insert excerpts from Nicholas Sparks or Cecilia Ahern's books]. 

What we had was so wrong on so many levels, but it felt complete, complementing and comforting to our lives, so the good or the bad was overlooked and mushy emotions overtook seasoned virtues.

Truth.

I am not going to rampage his character or ridicule his cowardliness. I still believe he is a nice guy. As Michelle Monaghan says in the movie Made of Honor, 'you are perfect, but not for me'. [I just gave that dickhead too much credit, whatdahell, he's doomed anyway]. No really, he was nice but not good enough for me. I stand by how good of a person he was. But not to me. Nope. Assassinating someone's character is a reflection of my character, and I am not that character. He hurt me, real deep. But I still think he was a nice person. [Nice, that's the only word I can use without cringing]. My expectations and order of life differed from his. Simply put, I had higher standards. I own up when I screw up, I don't give up and disappear. 

As compelling and difficult it is to remain unaffected by his folly, giving him another chance would mean choosing docile feelings over personal respect and that I will never do.

Treason.

If he really cared like he made me believe, he would not have chickened out. If he felt that I mattered and would never leave me like he said, he would have tried to reconnect. I am young enough to still wear my heart on my sleeve but old enough to know who is worth it. Life is not a Boyzone song to just use words and stay put. You have to stand up when situations arise and prove to people who matter that they really matter. Else you will just be a well known stranger and that's who you will always be. 

Because I know I am not losing a good person, to me losing him is not a loss. Peace.

Lost love.

He fought with my classmate so he can be my partner in terrace shuttle. He smiled at me when he won him over. We were 7.

When we came near the car park, he eyeballed me to make my dress right as my petticoat strap was seen. He smiled at me when I pushed it in. We were 15.

He surprised me by standing outside my gym with an umbrella on a rainy day, he smiled at me when he saw how special I felt. We were 18.

He accompanied me on a long journey for my personal work. He didn't want me going alone. He asked me to rest my head on his shoulder when returning home in the train. He smiled at me when I shyed away. We were 21.

After many fights and heartbreaks, I asked him if we can start afresh. He said he is too hurt to invest in me again. I smiled at him because I knew we were coming to an end and I needed to protect myself. We were 23.

I accidently looked behind and he was there. It's on a Friday, please come, I said. But I didn't write him a card. He smiled at me and I felt nothing. We were 25.

I stalk him on social media sometimes. I listen to the song he composed and played for me. I recall all the priceless moments of joy we shared. He still smiles but not at me. We are 27.

Letting go.

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In Jesus Name.

The end.

You're not a boy.

Stop walking like a guy they said. 

Put your legs together when you stand.
Don't laugh so loud.
Stop showing so much teeth when you smile.

Don't come near large groups of men they said.
Stop wearing fitting clothes.
Step out only for studying/work.
Make sure you return home by evening.

Don't adorn yourself to look beautiful.
It will invite unnecessary trouble they said.
Don't over expose your body or your personality.
Cover yourself, you're not a boy they said.

Ernakulam Episodes.

Alleppey Super Fast Express 22639 couldn't be any neater. Me and my mom-in-law picked up our dinner from Subway, Anna Nagar with medium spice sauces (you know you never want to use the train toilets) and had a hearty dinner in the train with a side of chit-chat followed by a trouble free sleep. When we reached Ernakulam, the B4 coach stopped exactly oppsite to a small gate which led us straight into the roads. To my amazement, in less than 5 mins we had checked into the hotel I had reserved the previous night. Walking my way to the hotel from the station? This was my first.

After a hot and slow shower and a not so quick breakfast, we got into an autorickshaw which took us near Lourdes Hospital in School Padi area. We were quickly received by the Catholic Missionary sister Maria who was the purpose of our visit. My MIL and Sister Maria were classmates in school and their friendship continues a good 35 years later too. She greeted us and welcomed us to her brother's home and we chatted over typical kerala snacks of chips and halwa. After a sumptuous lunch and a little rest, we left to see the kochi marine drive. Took a really long walk while I enjoyed the sunset amidst the gleaming waters. As I got busy with my note 3, MIL and sister spoke about a lot of things which I did not overhear :P Later we did a good amount of shopping for everyone, had dinner in a pretty isolated restaurant and headed to our hotel for a peaceful sleep unlike the one we had last night travelling on the tracks.

Today is the day of our return. It was packed with activities which included a part where we missed the return boat to the city. Haha, will tell you all about it. So we checked out from the hotel in the morning and left for a day of water treat to the Kochi marine drive. We got onto our boat - Unni Kuttan after the morning breakfast, the view was wonderful. We were in the kochi marine drive sailing towards Fort Kochi. We also saw the mouth of the Arabian Sea, the Willington Island and many other cool cruise liners like The World, CONARD and Queen Mary 2 lined up on the backwaters. The drive was pleasant and serene. I have always loved the waters.. be it the beach, back waters or even a lake. They bring out the peaceful side of me right on the surface.

Our first stop was at St. Francis Church where we visited the Vascodagama's tomb. 14 years after his demise, his son had taken his remains and now it is in a church in Germany. So this tomb was where his body once lay. Then we walked back to our boat and sailed another 10 mins before reaching Fort Kochi. This had 2 places of value. First was the Mattacherry palace. I am generally not a palace-visiting person or history-following person. So I didn't quite enjoy it. It had all the vessels and clothes and weaponry used in those days.


The next place was the Jewish synagogue. I had an immediate liking to the synagogue. I certainly enjoyed being there. I loved the peacefulness and calmness in the place. It brought to my remembrance so many Biblical situations that happened in a synagogue like this where the Lord Jesus had stood and preached. I was submerged in an ocean of imagination. The hanging lamps, glassware, candle sticks, the torah at the altar, the patterned mosaic, My memory of it is fresh like the morning light. I couldn't let myself leave from that place. The auto to it was soul - satisfying. It felt right, it felt holy, it felt magnificent all at the same time. Despite knowing we might be late to catch our boat back to the city, the joy in the synagogue propelled me to stay there.

We finally had to leave. So I quickly bought some booklets and postcards, took some pictures and we left. When we reached the dork, our boat was not waiting for us. Panic did not grip me. Sis Maria being a localite, suggested we take the kerela-govt. ferry. This ferry ride was all the more fun. I love watching the waters ripple and sway in a uniform motion. It's artistic and beautiful. We got home, crashed again for a wee - bit and left to the railway station. 

Meeting sister Maria was truly a blessing. She shared with us about the schools that they are running there in Ethiopia and the kind of challenges they face. Poverty and illiteracy has made the lives of those people harder. I pray and wish the light of God and the work that these wonderful catholic sisters are doing there changes things around for the people of that land. After all we are one nation,  under God.