Zero Motivation.

I find myself in this state more often. My understanding of motivation is to have the will to accomplish. I have the will, but I haven't accomplished...yet.

Does that mean my motivation is not good enough? Who motivates who? Whoever motivates, I see no change. I agree and realise, yet nothing. Nothing because there is no act. This is where I completely fail on following the famous marketing principles of planning, organising, implementing and controlling. I don't do these things. 

Because its too much work you know. So I am not only motivated enough, but also dead lazy, mmmm. I just carry this grave disbelief that I can never achieve. This is sad, yes it is. When I am so sure of what I am, I should may be stop trying.

Wait, may be I should try harder. May be someday I can add a One before the zero and give myself the benefit of being zero motivated once. Or.., whatever!

Love Conquers All Things.

Ours was a prototypical arranged marriage. We did NOT fall in love at first sight. Our first SMS, online chat, voice call, meeting, basically *all of our firsts* was quite less than a disaster. After a month's time we got married. We were not even engaged, swam into nuptials in less than 2 months from our first meeting. My husband (as I love to call him) has all the characteristics of a hero from a top selling romantic novel. No! I am not lying. He is tall, handsome, extremely kind, polite, decent, compassionate, affectionate, la la la la la.. Right now we've been married for almost 90 days, when I look back at the past days I've spent with him, I feel surreal. It has been an amazing life-altering joyride. We are good for each other but we didn't click. Yes, you heard me right. 

When I think of him, I see in him every quality I wish I had. He is such an admirable human being, a very responsible son, buddy like brother, soul mate type friend, a stand-by cousin and a wonderful son-in-law. With him its always play, laughter, outing, shopping, strolls at the beach, eating at a fancy restaurant, unwinding long drives, bike rides in the pouring rain, late night movies, and everything that makes my heart light and merry. He is a dream for most women and I am thankful to God I can live a dream. 

We are certainly not the same type and issues started cropping up between us from left right and centre. Contentions with no value and strifes that seemed endless. We felt practically impossible to live with so much of hurt that was inching to animosity each day. We stopped and looked around at the people we knew - friends, family, colleagues, friend's friends and the society at large and thought of the misery they all go through. We realised how blessed we are to be provided with all the luxuries of life and we looked at each other with eyes of faith, trust, genuine respect and love and decided to put behind the bitterness. We couldn't stop falling in love with each other and our love grew fonder with every passing day. We chose to consider the intention in each others hearts and not mere words or actions.

We chose to see what mattered and not what was visible. No wonder, love stood tall in our hearts.

Do it. Jus' Do it.

Procrastination is my middle name. I don't remember doing a thing the same day I was asked to do. It is one thing to be selfish and make sure 'your' work is done and it's another thing to dilly-dally on the work assigned to you. But I am an exception. I don't do my work on time nor others'. Uhm, I am not proud of it ya'll, don't look at me like that. *straight face*

I took time to find out why I am like this, well its in my gene for one. My father did not even collect the pension benefits after my nana passed away. He put it off for a later date and that work never saw daylight. Most of the times, when I drag it off, the work actually never gets done. It either becomes too late, or I just wrap it off without much attention, so obviously the end result would be no good.

Having a habit/attitude/behaviour of this kind just rusted me. I wasn't happy. I wasn't a reliable person. I created a very undependable image. Though friends and family weren't explicit about it, I knew this was in their mind cause I carried such an aura with me. We'll I earned it. Days, months and years passed and I was still trying to fix this habit, I couldn't. 

For a day or two, I'd be just perfect. Then it was going back to the drawing board. I used to be so frustrated with myself and my parents cause they were just fed up with me and kinda labelled me as inadequate. Well I deserved it, so I couldn't really say anything about it.

I got married and nothing changed. When my husband used to be quick and immaculate with all his work, I used to feel miserable, not because I was jealous, hell no. I thought I wasn't may be good for him, he is close to a perfectionist and me close to a certified putter. Grave inferiority complex choked me, everyday became a mourning. I felt incorrigible, I felt forsaken.  But wait, mourning lasts for a night; joy cometh in the morning.

After what seems like an era of adjourning and warming chairs, I met myself. I looked at myself, frail and pathetic. I talked myself into agreeing this cannot go on and things have got to change as it was affecting my personal and professional life.. Believe me, things have been beautiful since then.

I want to close by saying - You are the power. You have the power. You can do it, so why not?

I miss him.

His smile that lights up my face.
His eyes that speak of affection.
His words that's like music in my head.
His voice that's a delight to hear.
His face that reminds me that God is faithful.
His comforting hugs that inspirit hope in times of distress.
His every touch that reiterates that he's a keeper.
His presence that makes life so much more meaningful and eclectic.
His love that's O so innocent and inexplicable.

He is my husband & I miss him.

Psst..for those of you who haven't read my blog before, my husband is in Merchant Navy
11 down, 74 days to go! :D

You are the only person you have.

This title was not coined in a fancy. It is from a lifetime of understanding and annihilation of feelings which makes any self respecting person into a warehouse of wisdom. Life is not a bed of roses, so cliché yet bloody true. There is hard work and struggle at EVERY step in life, no rest, just battles. Not just one day but every second day. It's like the sun, the scorching heat might burn your skin but you can't do without the light.

Success is a big word to me, bigger than happiness. You can find happiness in small things but success is for the best people. You can never attain it in the fullest meaning of the word; its just a step to stamp on and lift yourself to the next step. Failure to me is bemusing, its got the quality of changing lives. It makes me humble, it makes me strong. It knocks me down, it brings me up. I need it, I can't do without it, but I don't desire it. 

I have many people in my life, just like any one of you. Parents, siblings, friends, spouse and many others. You talk, fight, dine and dance with them, people people everywhere all through your life. Yet, there is that loneliness; it is alive, you cannot deny. There is that emptiness, the well of consuming thoughts visiting you at steady intervals leading you to depressing nights or brighter paths. You can't meddle with it, its a consuming fire. You need to be clever, you need to know and believe that you have the power to make your life a blossom that God wanted you to be.

You need to pull yourself together, take a deep breath, connect with your inner man and move forward, and before you know it, you'd be at the last step to success and victory will be waiting to embrace you. Always remember, you are the only person you have; know yourself like no other.

8 Steps on How to add Twitter to your Blogspot

Having referred a dozen sites on How to add Twitter to your Blogspot and still not knowing How to, (the explanation was not detailed in my opinion), so I decided to post a blog on the detailed steps of how to add your twitter feeds to your blogspot account.

Read on, you got the answer here fellas.

1) Visit Twitter widgets to get started

Enter your username and password of your twitter account. It will take you to the widgets section. Now you need to Create your widget

2) Click on the button Create New and furnish the below details, you will see the preview of the twitter feed which will be seen in your blogspot account

3) After you have finalised on the Height, Theme & Link Color, you can find the preview of the twitter feed on the right side. Click on Save changes to Save your selection. Now, below the preview pane you will find a box with the HTML code, copy the link as instructed

5) Open a new browser tab and login to your google blogger account. Go to My Blogs - Layout - Add a gadget as described below. You can position the Twitter feed in your blog layout from the multiple layout options and by clicking and dragging the dotted lines.

6) Choose the Gadget - HTML/Java Script from the list. Click on the + symbol on the right of this gadget as described below

7) Clicking on the + symbol will open the Configure HTML/Java Script page, enter a Title name for your Twitter section and paste the HTML code copied from the twitter widgets page.

8) Click on Save and View Your Blog, Voilà! You have the Twitter feed on your blogger page.

Hope the 8 steps I've explained above was easy to understand, I don't do blogs of this kind.. but I know how important this is for bloggers, hope I helped. By the way, I figured this out myself ;) Keep blogging and leave your comments below if you will.

Thanks!

Weary of words

I am not happy these days, no I am not.. when I ask why? The answer is a reflex - because of words. I do not know enough words, I am disappointed, discouraged and hurt. I wanna write, I don't want to be a writer.. but I want to write to express my feelings that have always been so complicated, that I sometimes wonder if there could be an English word to equalise and explain the nature of my predicament (which in all probability is obscure). Sigh!

My yardstick for becoming better with my writing capabilities is purely measured by the scope of my vocabulary. And at this point, my vocabulary sucks, believe me I started typing vocabulary as v..a..c..a.. god! I am getting bad at spelling too!!

I am always seen at the want of words, I do not want to be that person whom I mock at, those people with no good command over the language who keep saying, "you know, you know, like.. like, mmm.." because they don't know the right word.

Oh I don't want to be a victim of my own remorseless attitude! What do I do? What do I do? Ah! Books, books, books it is! The travellers' abode, the poor man's shelter, the patients medicine and the water to my weariness.

*closes laptop and opens the Bible. What better book could there be, to start with?*

Good byes and Hope

Around 3am at the East Avenue, I stood there bordering the slushed drains from the night's rains, wearing my favorite lavendar chappal, blanketting myself in a black/white stripped shawl with my hair tied up unkemptly even as my badly cut fringes constantly fell on my face. I stood there feeling numb as I looked up at my 6 feet tall and handsome husband. Our eyes were misty, he clenched my hands in comfort and we looked aimlessly at each other. It was time, and I was prepared for this moment.

The cab driver unwillingly looked our direction, it was an angushing-comforting 15 secs of my life that I may not forget! It's a 3-4 months voyage, being in Merchant Navy has its perks and pricks. I knew it, so I breathed through the pain..

Been happily married for 2 months and to exchange a good bye kiss with my newly found lifetime love on the 2nd month anniversary is quite not the way I planned to celebrate it.

But I dare not talk about life being unfair to me, cause as I think of all the people who don't even have a job, those well educated ambitious 20s and 30s who are frustrated as their earning isn't enough to support their family, the many hard working labour class people who have left their families, friends, kith and kin for almost 12-15 months and gone to strange lands to work in mines, hotels, factories and other industries..

I breathe not the word unfair for when I think of all the people I've ever known, I know in my heart, I am most privileged. I simply have e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. I believe pain is good, it adds more perspective to life.

A parting good bye is certainly heart wrenching however it cannot over power the hope and joy of meeting again. Can't wait!

2 down, 88 days to go! :D

You know you're in Love

when your heart aches to see his sweet face,
when you miss his smile and sigh thinking of his annoying ways,
when you feel helpless seeing him sad,
when you feel lost knowing he'll be gone for a while,
when his presence lights up your heart and starts a melody in your thoughts,
when the little things he did for you mounds before you like a mountain,
when a tear escapes now and then unknowingly and uncontrollably,
when friends seem far and family seems as an obstacle,
when happiness means his company and joy his laughter,
you know you're in love
.. and there ain't a feeling like it.

P.S -Just got the news that my husband will be leaving to sea in the next week for 3-4 months.
I just ask one thing from you Lord, keep him safely in Your arms all day long. I cannot trust him with anyone except You; When the storm sore high and the tempest blows wild, I know my God will take care of him (TPM Eng Hymn 134);

"There shall not any man be able to stand before thee all the days of thy life:
as I was with Moses, so I will be with thee: I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee." (Joshua 1:5 KJV)